by HC

Netland, USA -- (June 11) -- A new virus, targeted specifically at total fucking morons, began arriving in email in-boxes early today. Or was it yesterday?

According to a recent survey by the Gartner Group, total fucking morons comprise over 90% of the people who use the so-called internet for e-mail, e-commerce and web browsing on a regular basis. [The Gartner Group is, apparently, a "group" or something that, no matter what time of day it is, has always just completed a recent survey. Hmmmmmm.]

The virus, which arrives in the unsuspecting user's in-box, comes in an attached file titled: this_is_a_virus_please_click_me_you_moron.ZIP.

When clicked, the attachment launches a program that searches the user's hard drive and collects personal information.

"The information is used," said FBI director Rebecca Sunnybrook, "to construct a series of totally believable and provable charges of murder, treason and child molestation against the user, which is then emailed to law enforcement agencies and right-wing para-military groups everywhere."

Apparently, the unsuspecting law enforcement agencies and right-wing para-military groups then have no choice but to immediately arrest and accidentally kill the accused suspects on the way to the local lockup.

Though Amazon.com president Jeff Bezos has adamantly denied being the originator of the virus, the FBI claims he still remains at the top of their list of suspects.

"No one has a better motive for doing this than Bezos," Sunnybrook suggested. "If 90% of internet users are wiped out, that leaves 90% fewer people to buy his books. Since he loses money on each book sold, these 50 million or so deaths will impact his bottom line in a very positive fashion."

Shares of Amazon.com and other internet stocks rose sharply on the news that 50 million internet users had been righteously wiped off the face of the earth.