Friday, June 13, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Un-fixable Bug Found in All Versions of Netscape!!!

Andreessen Quits!!!

Cabo San Lucas, Baja California - (June 13) - A couplea stoned-out Southern California surfer drug dealers, vacationing in Cabo San Lucas, today, have proved, beyond any doubt whatsoever, what everybody always knew but nobody dared say, for fear of being visited by the Netscape Police -- namely, that all versions of Netscape Communication's popular Netscape Browser have a fatally un-fixable bug which has been exploited by employees of Netscape Communications to mercilessly steal the precious bodily fluids of its users.

"That's right, that's right," said Rebecca Kramer, a stoned-out Chula Vista, California drug dealer with a place in Cabo, "Netscape is responsible for the theft of precious bodily fluids that almost got us into World War 5 or 6, I forget which."

She then demonstrated, right there on the beach, the un-fixable "bug" that allows Netscape employees to read the most intimate personal material off the hard drives of virtually everyone on earth.

According to Kramer, the bug is, of course, NOT REALLY A FUCKING BUG, at all! Noooooooooooooooooo. "It's, you know, really a fucking FEATURE!!! 'Cept, of course, it's only a fucking FEATURE for the employees of Netscape who are stealing our precious bodily fluids."

According to Kramer, who's been a drug dealer long enough to fully understand the workings of the capitalist mind, the contents of one's hard drive, and one's precious bodily fluids, are "exactly synonymous and the same, in a, you know, kinda' New Testament metaphorical kinda' way."

Following the incontrovertible proof by several other drug dealer surfers that the bug/trapdoor in Netscape, both existed and was utterly un-fixable without a complete re-write from scratch, in pure, machine-specific machine code, Netscape Director of Technology or whatever, Marc Andreessen, announced he would leave the company and software altogether, immediately, "And wander the earth, letting people eat my flesh and drink my blood until they are saved, or whatever."

Following Andreessen's announcement, Netscape Communications announced it would close its doors for good at the end of the day, rather than rewrite Netscape code from scratch.

Companies like CNET, RealAudio, and Macromedia, were quick to follow suit, shutting down their websites entirely and firing their entire online divisions.

And, in a survey just completed early this afternoon, 99% of all 30 million users of the web, questioned by email, responded that they would immediately cease all use of the World Wide Web, and immediately return to using what they'd been using before -- old stained copies of "Hustler," "Playboy," and "Cigar Aficionado."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F