Monday, June 15, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Media Bombshell!! Reporters Caught Taking Leaks!!!

Washington, DC - (June 15) - The credibility of the American press was seriously called into question again, yesterday, when Steve Brill, publisher of media watchdog magazine Brill's Content, speaking on CSPAN's "Washington Journal," stated unequivocally that "the press is taking leaks from Ken Starr's Office."

Though the "press" was unavailable for comment due to all their resources currently being 100% committed to intense investigative research into whether Monica Lewinsky will have Kellogg's Corn Flakes or Fruit Loops for breakfast tomorrow, several innocent passers-by beneath Ken Starr's office windows did seem to have sufficient resources available to be able to comment on the story.

"I was walking down the street when suddenly I felt, you know, sort of this warm glow all over," Rebecca Kramer told the Washington Pissed. "At first I thought it was love or some spiritual or metaphysical experience, but when I looked up to the sky, all I saw were these, uh, you know, 'leaks,' coming out of 3 or 4 different windows of Ken Starr's offices on the 27th floor."

When approached for comment, Sunday morning, Ken Starr stated, "It is not a violation of law to take leaks out of my office. Most prosecutors do it all the time. Now I must get to church."

Commentator, George Will, appearing on the Cokie Roberts News Hour, was generally sanguine about the whole affair.

"I'll start to worry when the press starts taking massive dumps out Ken Starr's office windows -- that's when the republic'll really be in danger, and not a minute before," said Will, in the trademark arrogant supercilious tone which has won him the hearts and minds of fans all over the world where thought and ideas are valued above either being or not being enough of a dickhead.

Apparently, in his new eponymous media watchdog magazine, Brill's Content, Brill not only claims that the press is taking massive leaks from Ken Starr's office, but also that they're constantly "lapping up Starr's [own massive] leaks."

George Stephanopolis of the Cokie Roberts News Hour, speculated that "Maybe the reason the press never seems to get anything right ever, is because they're, like, all woozy or queasy or wacky from lapping up all those leaks -- and not just from Ken Starr, either."

But Billy Crystal of the Cokie Roberts News Hour retorted, that he wouldn't even begin to worry till the press starts lapping up Ken Starr's massive dumps. "That's when our great consumer-only republic will start to be in serious danger," he said, "and not a minute before."

According to Sam Donaldson of the Cokie Roberts News Hour, only the issue of whether reporters can take leaks from prosecutors' offices will be heard before the Supreme Court tomorrow -- while the issue of whether reporters can legally lap up prosecutors' leaks will be left as an exercise for the faceless citizenry to perform in their so-called "hearts."

"Maybe," said the Cokie Roberts News Hour's eponymous host, Cokie Roberts, getting all righteous, "the solution to this whole business is for reporters to just stop taking leaks altogether -- forever."

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F