Monday, June 16, 1997
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Fix Coming Prophecy Unveiled

Cupertino & Lybrands, California - (June 16) - According to Marc Clarksdale, Minister of Communications for Netscape Communications, of Communications-or-Consequences, California, the un-fixable bug found in all versions of the Netscape browser, last week, is not really a bug at all, nor is it even, you know, a feature.

"The so-called bug found in our Netscape Communicator Browser and our Netscape Navigator Browsers version 2.0 and 3.0, aren't really bugs at all," said Clarksdale, rushing to catch the last train to Supperville. "They're really, you know, part of a vast Orwellian conspiracy dreamed up by CIA-Mafia-Moonies, and executed by outer space aliens from other universes and dimensions who just wanna, you know, quietly celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Roswell UFO-Crash Coverup thing, but have been enlisted against their will by Madonna and Clare Danes."

Despite the fact that he'd just denied the existence of a bug, Clarksdale prophesied the coming of a fix for it, anyway.

"The fix is actually quite simple," said Clarksdale, "And just requires that the Cosmos be momentarily destroyed and then, uh, you know, re-booted."

Supermodel OD's

Supermodel, What's Her Name, OD'd on some drug somewhere in London, yesterday or whenever, and died, taking the entire fucking rest of the population of the world with her.

Spokesmen for the supermodel, claimed the supermodel hadn't been hospitalized for an OD at all, but that the supermodel had been hospitalized simply for a simple ole everyday allergic reaction to her simple ole everyday 3-year heroin habit.

Sandra Bullock Naked -- Sandra Bullock Naked -- Sandra Bullock Naked

Speed 2, the sequel to Speed 1, starring Sandra Bullock, topped the box office charts this weekend, grossing $18 million dollars, apparently because all 2 million of the "people" who spend all day everyday typing "Sandra Bullock Naked" into Alta Vista and Yahoo, decided to go see a movie this weekend, instead.

In all, this week's top 5 films appear to be surprisingly similar in, uh, theme: (Grosses in millions of dollars)

          1.  Speed 2 ......... $18.3
          2.  Smack 9 .......... 16.5
          3.  Acid 8 ............ 5.1
          4.  Beano 3 ........... 1.1
          5.  Angel Dust 99 ..... 1.0
Golf Thing Obviously Fixed

Some kinda golf contest thing was held last week, but was obviously fixed by Don King or Don Knotts or Don Knotts Overdrive or somebody, cause Tiger Woods didn't win. Golf promptly declared bankruptcy after the rigged golf thing was exposed, and shut its doors and announced that it would soon be partnering with Cigars in order to start a new religion that would sweep the world, simply because its Psalms rhymed "excrement" with "excitement."

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