Wednesday, June 16, 1999
  NASA or somebody launches some so-called satellite or something

by HC

Gartner City, FL -- (June 16) -- NASA, or somebody, today, apparently launched some satellite, or something, which will apparently go way way up and then just keep going round the earth, over and over again.

The mission of the satellite is to remotely read the MRI of everybody on the ground and compare their patterns of neural activity over time with associated cognitive stimuli, causal or otherwise.

"After just a few passes round the earth,' said NASA director of operations, Rebecca Sunnybrook, "it will have figured EVERYONE the fuck out and stored this total understanding in a data base available only to the Pope and select crackpot right wing paramilitary groups, who are safe because they are narcoleptic, and always fall asleep at the very moment they start to gear up for the big one."

The satellite will also apparently dispense the respective national alcohols of the leading nations of the world in a thin layer over the whole planet so, from now on, it'll always smell like 4am Sunday morning just outside an oceanfront bar.

"The satellite," said Sunnybrook, "is also capable of calling in precision air strikes on targets as small as photons or amoebas or as well-hidden as individual brain cells."

The satellite was built at the Jet Compulsion Labs in Pasadena, where people think like they walk, catching themselves with the next lie before they fall over and drown in the soup of the nature of existence.

Equipped with sensors that only start recording at the edge of sleep, so it only accidentally catches the fragment of living that's not a lie, the satellite was designed across the street from the Jet Compulsion Labs, where people compulsively stroke their labrador retrievers, if you know what I mean, till there's nothing left but the pit of their stomachs where a little rolled up piece of newspaper, swallowed just hours ago, says something like:

E-commerce replaced by Z-commerce

E-Channel-or-Consequences, NM -- (June 16) -- Where once it was like the weather -- all anybody ever talked about but nobody ever did it -- e-commerce is suddenly not even being talked about anymore on account of it is like just sooooo yesterday and has apparently, according to CNN, been replaced, just today, by Z-commerce.

"Z-commerce," said Z-Commerce Associates president and CEO, Rebecca Kramer-Sunnybrook, "is all about Zero commerce, where nobody even fucking bothers to fucking buy or sell ANYTHING anymore -- instead they just move air around with buttons and play games with child's toys made out of old discarded DNA analyzers/synthesizers, or chip golf balls on their front lawn while waiting for a flight to Chicago or after slashing their ex-wife's throat accidentally when all they really wanted to do was give her druggie girlfriend a Bolivian necktie. Or necklace."


Woodward gets lotsa hype for latest book of lies

Bob Woodward, whose ex-wife was once in a Lit seminar one day when her "boyfriend" walked in right in the middle and stood there glaring at her as the professor talked on and then finally got up and walked out with him leaving her books and stuff behind, is according to CNN, getting all kinds of hype for a new book he has just published where, as usual, he makes up pure bullshit about famous people based on, you know, like this "secret info" he supposedly gets from a vast army of, you know, like all secret inside sources, an all.

"Fortunately," Woodward told one of the endless droning talking heads who were just the robot growth medium for his hype, "no one will ever call me on my totally bullshit stories because they know I actually do have top secret access to their "top secret" FBI files and they know the truths I could honestly tell about them are far far worse than these wacky fucking lies I honestly make up about them."


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC