Monday, June 22, 1998
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Movie Review
The Buzz On The X-Flies

La-Bas, Baja California - (June 22) - Apparently there's some film or something called the X-Flies -- and if there isn't, then a buncha people apparently just payed, like, $31 million dollars, over the weekend, to stare at blank movie screens (maybe they were being controlled from satellites via Java-based microchips implanted in their endorphins or endoplasmic reticulae or wherever).

Anyway, "The X-Flies" movie is apparently based on the TV show of the same name, that many fans are apparently rabid buffs of.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see either the film or the TV show, but here's what it's about, anyway.

First some background:

The TV show, "The X-Flies" follows the exploits of 2 FBI agents, Scully and Mulder, as they try to find the X-Flies or at least find out what brought them in.

Both Scully and Mulder have weird backgrounds. Vin Scully was the play-by-play announcer for the LA Dodgers until he got fired by Rupert Murdoch for quoting Gertrude Stein instead of saying how many balls there were. But then his sister abducted some aliens and he had to join the FBI to cover it up.

Maria Mulder used to be a "60's folk-singer" with the Jim Kweskin Jug Band, who sorta accidentally sold out, one day, when instead of singing "Blues In the Bottle," in the shower, she accidentally got recorded singing "Midnight at the Oasis," in the shower, and was so embarrassed when it became a pop hit, that she joined the FBI to cover it up.

Since the FBI was afraid that Scully would take some of the DNA from the aliens his sister had abducted and inject them into humans, they teamed him with Mulder cause Mulder didn't believe in injecting alien DNA into humans at all, and they thought eventually she'd convince Scully not to either.

Their nemesis is cigar smoking man, who is pissed off because people are always coming up and telling him how, like, Einstein's Theory of Relativity states that, "If you wanna find a dumb fucking pretentious loser, just follow the trail of cigar smoke." So because he's pissed off about being a cigar smoking loser, he takes it all out on Scully and Mulder.

OK. That's the background that TV has taken 5 years to lay out.

In the movie version of The X-Flies, nothing happens AT ALL, but, instead, everybody just sits around and explains the cosmos to each other, so, by the end of the movie, your understanding has gone well beyond the cosmos, so that, if you were suddenly in about 5 or 6 plane crashes in a single day, it wouldn't phase you one bit -- cause you'd know this wasn't even worth, like, a paren in a line of meta-cosmic micro-code.

Here's what else we learn from listening to these people sit around on-screen for 2 hours and just jabber away. Jabber jabber jabber:

First, it turns out that the X-Flies really ARE alien flies, and are, in fact, Gen-Xers from another solar system (which explains their name). They have come to earth to save all earthly Gen-Xers from the Gen-Yers, who have seen enough of MTV's The Real World to know what a load of shit everything is, and, as a result, just wanna torch the whole fucking galaxy and get the fuck out.

So the Gen-Xers from outer space, who appear to human cognitive systems as X-Flies, have been going around sticking their alien DNA into all the X chromosomes of Gen-Yers -- even though this, apparently, won't really manifest until the birth of Gen-Zers, after whom, of course, there won't be any fucking more people, by definition, ANYWAY, so, like, why have even fucking bothered at all??

So, at the end of the movie, everybody just realizes they've just been wasting not only their own fucking time, but also everybody else's fucking time as well.

So Scully decides to go back to announcing Dodger games and, of course, is immediately abducted into the Hall of Fame.

And then, just like every other dickbag cliched Hollywood movie, the film ends in a predictable way -- with everybody just killing everybody they don't wanna fuck, and then fucking everybody who's left. Yawn.

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