Thursday, June 26, 1997
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Supreme Court OKs Doctor-Assisted Decency

Truth-or-Consequences, DC - (June 26) -- OK, the Supreme Court or somebody, today, ruled that "OK, If you want to commit either pornography or decency on the internet, you could go to your doctor and he could give you a pill for it. Otherwise, you'll just have to eat Jello Chocolate pudding or put a plastic bag over your head."

In other rulings, the court ruled that "If you plan to be a dishonest, disingenuous, lying sack of shit, please confine it to the mainstream media, where it belongs."

In a 2-1 vote with 6 members abstaining, the judges said that "Hey, if everybody else is just yourself on a different decision curve, then why the fuck even bother deciding?"

In ruling on cognition itself, Chief Justice Joe Don Baker summed up the unanimous decision of the court saying, "All we could decide was that there's, you know, logic, and then there's, you know, gynecologic. And we leave the rest as an exercise for the people.

Chief Justice Baker, a graduate of Pulp University, worked briefly at Pulp TV before publishing his award winning novella, "Pulp DNA," and being named Chief Justice by President Trafficante.

Later in the day, the judges ruled it unconstitutional for the "Unborn Again" movement to use the hit Tony Bendix single, "Zeroth Time Around" as their national anthem.

Then they gave "the chair" to all members of the group that went around totally destroying the film "Fatal Attraction" by changing the first "a" in the title, to an "e" in all the prints, ads, video packaging, and TV guides.

And of course they gave a double "chair" to the copy-cat group that went around right behind them, changing the first "t" in the title to a "c."

They declared it a capital crime to risk your own death, if you were climbing K-2 not because you cared about climbing, or the mountain, but simply because you thought the name was just so fucking cool.

They upheld the right of advertising to kill the soul, in the event that any, you know, even remained, and they upheld the right of shitbag corporate Bot-Spirit to keep upping its payola of culture, so culture could keep everybody busy, doing golden, glowing nothing.

Then the judges spent the last few hours before sunset removing any lingering traces, in the room, of old leftover probable cause, or IBM-style solutions for uninhabited, non-existent planets.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F