Friday, July 18, 1997
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Mir Cable Disconnected

Mir - (July 18) - John Malone, of TeleCommunications Inc., today, ordered that cable service to the Mir space station be cut off due to non-payment of its cable bill.

According to Boris Yeltsin, the Russian President, rather than have his cosmonauts miss the upcoming World Championship Wrestling Pay-Per-View, "The Mauling In Maui" on August 15th, he'll have them return to earth next week, and abandon the 500 billion dollar space station to become drifting space junk.

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

The overnight Neilsen Tracking Poll of the up-to-the-minute status of the human heart has revealed a sudden shift in the career aspirations of members of the 14-21 age group. Whereas, only 3 days ago, the number 1 most desirable occupation for 75% of this demographic was "Corporate Website Designer," as of last night, the entire 75%, and then some, had changed completely, so that now 83% of all those questioned said they thought that, of course, being a fugitive gay serial killer was the top occupational situation anybody could be in, and, yes, they were already hard at work on their resumes.

And, of course, in the spirit of just-in-time inventory, Harvard University of Cambridge, Mass., not missing a trick, early this morning, launched its latest just-in-time department, "the Department of Fugitive Gay Serial Murderer Studies," appointing Andrew Cunanan as Chairman-on-the-run. Apparently Andrew will be faxing in his lectures from a new location every day.

And, apparently, of course, enrollment for courses in the department has already exceeded the population of the known universe by several orders of magnitude.

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