Monday, July 20, 1998
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Tragic Prehistoric Animals Apparently Ate Doritos

Marblehead, MA - (July 20) - A pile of prehistoric dung, over 4 million years old, has yielded up ancient secrets contained in the DNA of its precious little dead fucking animals.

Among other startling discoveries, researchers have learned that many prehistoric animals ate bagels, cream cheese, and Doritos -- all normally considered to be among the crowning achievements of post-pre-historic man.

"If this is all true," said Professor Rebecca Kramer, leader of an international team of specialists in the field of figuring out what somebody had for breakfast based on their ancient dungpiles, "then, uhh, I, uhh, uhh, just lost my train of thought..."

"If this is all true," interjected Dr. Hollis Mosher III, the distinguished Italian researcher, "then it may just be that stuff like Doritos and Twinkies are not really features of post pre-historic times at all, but are, rather, really bugs of these times. Not unlike the bug in the year 2000 that causes it to crash all the time."

"According to the animal's DNA," said Dr. Kramer, pointing out the specific genes involved and rattling off their base sequences, "it was pre-disposed to die by, apparently, calling a suicide prevention hotline referral service, one day, and being erroneously given the number of a suicide hotline which had apparently been disconnected and re-assigned to an adult sex line where you could talk to either naked underage girls or fully clothed has-been porn stars or former flaming dickhead hosts of TV talk shows who CNBC bumped from a half hour to an hour in order to be even creepier and slimier than Geraldo, but then could never eat lunch in this town again, once the fucking, you know, whole Lewinsky thing was over. If you know what I mean."

"Anyway," interjected Dr. Mosher, "we can therefore conclude, from this ancient DNA evidence, that talking about blowjobs never cured anything and never will."

The report of Drs. Kramer's and Mosher's committee will be published this fall in the New England Journal of the Union of Concerned Medical Journal Scientists."

The prodecure by which subtle traces of DNA are "coaxed" out of prehistoric dungpiles is one that only a handful of researchers have mastered.

First, tiny microbes are sent into the dungpile with tiny microbial cameras made of endlessly replicating loops of all possible DNA, which can recognize, therefore, any DNA.

"It takes years of painstaking training of the microbes before they can learn to properly run the tiny sub-atomic equipment," said Dr. Kramer. "And many die before even graduating from microbe camera school."

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