Monday, July 21, 1997
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Cunanan Found! -- On Mir!

Mir - (July 21) - The world-wide manhunt for alleged fugitive gay serial killer Andrew Cunanan ended, today, with the announcement by FBI, that he'd been positively ID'd aboard the Mir Space Station in outer space.

"At 6:00 AM this morning," Agent Linc Case told reporters, "We received an anonymous tip on our 1-800-CUNANAN hotline from the Mir Space Station in outer space.

"Subsequent investigations confirmed that the tip had a very high probability of being accurate, and, at this time, we have no reason to believe it to be significantly otherwise."

According to Case, Cunanan had apparently weaseled his way onto the Mir space station, and charmed the astronauts with his knowledge of foreign languages and fine wine.

They agreed to let Cunanan move into the station and live there indefinitely, but astronaut Cole grew suspicious when he woke up one morning and found the other 2 cosmonauts both shot to death in their sleep.

"Of course," Cole told reporters over a bad connection from outer space, "I immediately went to the CNN website to see if there were any fugitive gay serial killers on the loose. After I read about this Cunanan guy, and, thanks to the pictures provided by CNN, saw the resemblance between him and our lodger, all I had to do was click on the hotline phone number provided by CNN Interactive, and CNN immediately connected me to the FBI hotline, where I told the pleasant FBI representative on the other end, everything I knew."

Cole is now eligible to receive the US$150 reward for information leading to the capture and arrest of fugitive gay serial killers, in addition to the US$150,000 he's already received from CNN and the FBI in product placement fees.

Cole, however, may never get to collect on his windfall, as, according to Cole himself, "Cunanan claims he will only be staying for a few more days, just long enough to get his feet, as it were, back on the ground. After which, he intends to steal the space suit off one of the dead cosmonauts, and steal the Soyuz capsule, and head on out to Mars where he plans to sexually abuse the fuck out of the Mars Rover, in order to get, you know, revenge.

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