Washington Pissed: Well?
Fugitive Serial Murderer: Well, it's good to be
back in San Diego, for one thing. Great weather!
WP: Yeah, except sometimes that early morning low
cloudiness along the coast can be a real bitch. If you
know what I mean.
FSM: Yeah. Of course in La Jolla, we had 'em put
massive giga-watt Air Force beacons on top of Mt.
Soledad, so we could just flip 'em on if it was cloudy
and nobody'd even notice the sun wasn't there. Money
doesn't only talk, if you know what I mean.
WP: Yeah. In fact someone once went so far as to
say, "It screams."
FSM: Yeah. I think I knew him. Did he go to
Bishops or La Jolla High? Think he was a year ahead of
me at Bishops.
WP: So, ah, what ya been doin lately. Haven't
seen you around much.
FSM: Oh, ya know. This and that.
WP: Uh, nice shirt.
FSM: Yeah. It's an Armani.
WP: I understand you know a lot about fine wine
and you speak several different languages.
WP: And I understand you're very knowledgeable
and can carry on lively witty conversations on many
different topics and you even read Time Magazine
FSM: Ja. Chaque semaine. If die weiss what I
mean, bro. And I read Wired whenever I can bum one off
a fading-digital-star-fucker wannabe. It's where I get
all my original ideas.
WP: Are you online, then?
FSM: Yeah. Got my own website. 550 million
hits a day. Partnerings with Netscape, Microsoft, Sun,
Sony, NBC, Turner, up the wazoo.
WP: Cool, what you got on the site?
FSM: Lots of animated GIFs to make everybody
puke to death -- you know, like on the CNET and CNN sites.
See, when voices coming out of Wired Magazine and CNET
Radio made me become a gay serial murderer, I thought
that, by using my ability to carry on witty
conversations on many current topics of interest, I
would be able to kill pretty much everybody on earth
without anybody stopping me, because I was, you know,
just so fucking charming an all.
But it turns out that, even when you're extraordinarily
gifted -- as I am -- killing people just takes time --
you know, putting in the hours and punching the clock
every day -- like, you know, there's that tee shirt or
whatever, "So many people, so little time."
So one day I was surfing the net and I accidentally
stumbled on the "New York Times". Apparently it's this
online newspaper in New York or something. But as soon
as the page loaded, I noticed that I started
uncontrollably puking my guts out from all the fucking
animated GIFs and if I hadn't shut my machine off
immediately, I definitely would've died.
Now, since, as well as being incredibly gifted and
handsome and brilliant, I'm also just your average
everyday shlumpy kinda guy, it's clear lots of other
people almost just like me are hitting that site and,
not being quite as fast as I am to turn off their
systems, are, in fact, going all the way and puking
themselves to, you know, death.
So now, instead of this tedious process of steal a car,
drive cross country, find someone to kill, kill him,
abandon the car with appropriate ID info scattered all
over it, steal a new car, change appearance, drive cross
country, kill another person, steal another car, blah
blah blah, on and on -- instead of all that, I just put
up a website with lots and lots of animated GIFs and sit
The fucking GIFs do all my work for me, so the only real
challenge left is just the simple competition to see if
I can brutally murder more souls than all the corporate
shitbags (TM) in the world put together.