Wednesday, July 23, 1997
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Interview With the Fugitive

Solana Beach, CA - (July 23) - A well-known fugitive serial murderer showed up recently at our offices just north of San Diego, and allowed us to conduct the following interview. He asked only that we not use his real name so as to keep, you know, law enforcement guessing.

Washington Pissed: Well?

Fugitive Serial Murderer: Well, it's good to be back in San Diego, for one thing. Great weather!

WP: Yeah, except sometimes that early morning low cloudiness along the coast can be a real bitch. If you know what I mean.

FSM: Yeah. Of course in La Jolla, we had 'em put massive giga-watt Air Force beacons on top of Mt. Soledad, so we could just flip 'em on if it was cloudy and nobody'd even notice the sun wasn't there. Money doesn't only talk, if you know what I mean.

WP: Yeah. In fact someone once went so far as to say, "It screams."

FSM: Yeah. I think I knew him. Did he go to Bishops or La Jolla High? Think he was a year ahead of me at Bishops.

WP: So, ah, what ya been doin lately. Haven't seen you around much.

FSM: Oh, ya know. This and that.

WP: Uh, nice shirt.

FSM: Yeah. It's an Armani.

WP: I understand you know a lot about fine wine and you speak several different languages.

FSM: Oui.

WP: And I understand you're very knowledgeable and can carry on lively witty conversations on many different topics and you even read Time Magazine every week.

FSM: Ja. Chaque semaine. If die weiss what I mean, bro. And I read Wired whenever I can bum one off a fading-digital-star-fucker wannabe. It's where I get all my original ideas.

WP: Are you online, then?

FSM: Yeah. Got my own website. 550 million hits a day. Partnerings with Netscape, Microsoft, Sun, Sony, NBC, Turner, up the wazoo.

WP: Cool, what you got on the site?

FSM: Lots of animated GIFs to make everybody puke to death -- you know, like on the CNET and CNN sites.

See, when voices coming out of Wired Magazine and CNET Radio made me become a gay serial murderer, I thought that, by using my ability to carry on witty conversations on many current topics of interest, I would be able to kill pretty much everybody on earth without anybody stopping me, because I was, you know, just so fucking charming an all.

But it turns out that, even when you're extraordinarily gifted -- as I am -- killing people just takes time -- you know, putting in the hours and punching the clock every day -- like, you know, there's that tee shirt or whatever, "So many people, so little time."

So one day I was surfing the net and I accidentally stumbled on the "New York Times". Apparently it's this online newspaper in New York or something. But as soon as the page loaded, I noticed that I started uncontrollably puking my guts out from all the fucking animated GIFs and if I hadn't shut my machine off immediately, I definitely would've died.

Now, since, as well as being incredibly gifted and handsome and brilliant, I'm also just your average everyday shlumpy kinda guy, it's clear lots of other people almost just like me are hitting that site and, not being quite as fast as I am to turn off their systems, are, in fact, going all the way and puking themselves to, you know, death.

So now, instead of this tedious process of steal a car, drive cross country, find someone to kill, kill him, abandon the car with appropriate ID info scattered all over it, steal a new car, change appearance, drive cross country, kill another person, steal another car, blah blah blah, on and on -- instead of all that, I just put up a website with lots and lots of animated GIFs and sit back.

The fucking GIFs do all my work for me, so the only real challenge left is just the simple competition to see if I can brutally murder more souls than all the corporate shitbags (TM) in the world put together.

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