Wednesday, July 29, 1998
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Most Fucked-Up Lewinsky Alive Tells All!!!!!

Wash, DC - (July 29) - Monica Lewinsky, the inventor of Caller ID, made a deal, today, with Ken Starr, the inventor of Caller ID Blocking.

The deal calls for Monica Lewinsky to totally not wear hats anymore, and, in return, Ken Starr won't either.

This deal apparently ends years of legal and political and neuro-biochemical and psycho-sexual wrangling between the two bitter antagonists.

Lewinsky and Starr, who subpoenaed the president of RJR Nabisco or something, also agreed not to tell Linda Tripp or Matt Drudge about their deal or about the Venutian brain pulp thing, either.

They also agreed not to invent Anonymous Call Rejection, which would just obviate everything anyway, so, like, why fucking bother.

To celebrate their deal, and the subpoena of the President of Hewlett-Packard or something, Starr and Lewinsky will hold a grand jury in a Boeing 747, slowly circling O'Hare for eternity.

Said Lewinsky, "Full details of my deal and of my arcane and esoteric sex acts with the president are contained in my fucking new book which you can order by clicking here, if you know what's fucking good for you. It's the book that the whole grand jury will be reading as we are slowly circling O'Hare in a Boeing 747 for eternity. Mainly because it's the only book that can actually last for eternity. If you know what I mean."

According to the deal between Starr and Lewinsky, Lewinsky will get so-called "full" immunity which means she will apparently never get sick again, ever, and she will also get "blanket" immunity, which means she will never again unexpectedly suddenly have a blanket thrown over her while she's walking down the street or sitting quietly at McDonalds's in Paris eating a Royale with cheese.

Large chunks of asphalt from Ken Starr's Driveway will go on display at the Smithsonian Institute just as soon as they get the current display of former cabinet members' air guitar picks out of the main hall.

The film, "Ken Starr's Driveway," directed by Jack Kerouac and starring Francis Ford Coppola, will be released by Sony Pictures in the fall, and the new Tommy Lee-fronted Rock group, Ken Starr's Driveway, will release their first album, "Antidisestablishmentarianism is for Fuckin' Dickheads," this Fall, as well.

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