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Friday, July 30, 1999

Everybody Unexpectedly Simultaneously Retires
Despite everybody being on the verge of setting the all-time record for longevity in the role of themselves, everybody suddenly unexpectedly simultaneously retired anyway, yesterday, ending the multi-million-year hegemony of everyone falsely believing they actually had to actually, you know, do something, for no apparent reason.

CNN Goes All Wacky
According to MSNBC, CNN went all wacky today and couldn't move its camera but just kept it hovering there over a crime scene that was just sooooooo yesterday's crime scene, repeating repeatedly how the suspect just might still be there even though he's already been found shot dead miles away. According to CNN, their ultra-sensitive cameras have detected something going on at the teeny tiny little curled up 12th or 13th dimension of superstring theory level of reality, or in a teeny tiny universe butt off this one from a black hole and then sneaking back and re-attaching someplace else via some meta-cosmic back door. Anyway, down at this level, the killer's anti-matter self has already returned to the scene and is preparing to....

Disgruntled Day Traders Rampage Through World Financial Capitals
Disgruntled day traders rampaged through world financial markets, yesterday, apparently disgruntled not only over how like some stocks or something had actually, like, gone down, or something, but also by like how disgruntled postal workers and and disgruntled high school students were getting all the fuckin media coverage while disgruntled day-traders were getting squat or diddley or whatever.

Market Afraid to Ever Go Down Again
The guys who control the so-called "Market" awoke in fear this morning of the potential collective wrath of disgruntled day-traders should they ever again allow any stock to ever go down again. Even by a point. Ever. Any stock at all. You got that!

CNN Buys Fragrance, Changes Name, Or Something
CNN has apparently today bought the fragrance "Obsession" from whichever dumbass clothesass fashionass company or whatever makes it and markets it to poor starving children who can't even afford to pay their electric bill despite being involved in serious discussions about possible billion dollar IPOs. CNN, the Compulsive News Network, as a result of the merger, will become OCNN, the Obsessive Compulsive News Network, and immediately enter a treatment program, which it will obsessively cover on air, round the clock.

same old fuckin Toyota
"Not since Atilla the Hun have we seen such bad conflict resolution skills," he said to her of some recent mass murderer or other, as they drove recklessly around town spraying aerosolized anthrax out the back window in a (failed) attempt to (only) induce illness in the population.

Light bulbs are your friend

Markets Up; Day-traders quiet

Disgruntled Postal Workers growing even more disgruntled over Disgruntled Day Traders getting all the media coverage

Attempted suicides now demanding top celebs personally come talk them out of it

Larry King tops list of top celebs attempted suicides most often demand to come talk them out of it

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC