Thursday, August 28, 1997
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Jeans Gene Disclothed

Eugene, OR - (Aug 27) -- Researchers at the Eugene Institute of Eugenics, in Eugene, Oregon, have apparently discovered the gene for wearing jeans.

According to Jane Jensen, of Jackson Junction, Georgia, the gene for jeans isn't just found in Jamaicans and ex-O.J. jurors, but in 100% of all people wearing jeans, while being utterly absent from 100% of all people not wearing jeans.

"Jesus, I'm just jazzed about the jeans gene," said Jensen, "But the implications are far greater than for just jeans."

"For example, from our work, it's now becoming clear that the appeal of brand names and the appeal of product names in general, is not something simply created by advertising or brute force repetition or even by fucking peer pressure. Successful brand names and successful products are already hard-wired in human DNA at birth."

According to Jensen's joint director, Geoff Johnson Jr., "This discovery means that, although, in theory, it's possible for advertisers and marketers to accidentally hit on the right brand and product name every so often, the probability of such success is very low, and, when mapped onto human history, would, at this point in the development of civilization, have given us a consumer culture consisting entirely of toasters, Coca-Cola, and Kleenex."

"Which means," Jensen interjected, "That most brand and product names must have been created by either time travellers from the future, or outer space aliens, or outer space aliens from the future, who have learned to read human DNA like a Toyota maintenance manual, and know, by heart, the names that humans are born to wanna buy."

According to either Time Magazine or scraps of paper dug out of Matt Drudge's dumpster, these developments will lead inevitably to the shutdown of all existing ad agencies and the end of modern advertising as we know it.

"In its place," said Jensen and Johnson, "Will come tight-knit groups of psychic and paranormal headhunters who seek out and recruit outer space aliens and time travellers from the future who know human DNA, like a human knows the George and Jane Jetson jingle."

With the jeans gene under their, er, belt, Jensen and Johnson will jet to Djakarta next June, to find the gene for angina, and maybe take in a Jasper Johns retrospective or two.

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