Tuesday, September 2, 1997
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Eels on Wheels: The Next Big Thing?

El Cerrito, CA - (Sept 2) -- Sounding more like a cultural drug-rebound scenario than a communications industry manic-depression roller-coaster ride, Wired Ventures, today, emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, with a new CEO and a new raison d'etre.

"We will shut down our deathly boring red ink machines currently masquerading as a magazine, websites, and book publishing business," said Wired Ventures new CEO, Cher, "In order to pursue bold new markets where human desire meets human willingness to pay through the fucking nose, as it were, and where our existing staff already feels quite comfortable operating."

According to new Wired CEO, Sonny Bono, "Our new venture, 'Eels on Wheels,' will NOT be, as many have speculated, just putting lots of eels on specially designed roller blades and letting 'em roll down steep hills all over town, at all hours of the day and night. Noooooooooooo. And it won't be anything like Possum Luge, which Microsoft failed at so miserably, last year. Nooooooo. Or Extreme Weasel vs. Hyena Skiing. Nooooooooooo."

According to Wired CEO, Charles Manson, the new Wired Ventures venture "Eels on Wheels," will deliver fresh eels to people's doorsteps every morning at 6AM sharp.

"Using our Newbot Search Engine," said Manson, "We have learned that there is vast pent-up desire out there on the part of people all over the country who really really wanna have fresh live eels delivered to their doorstep every morning at 6AM sharp."

New Wired CEO, Lisa-Marie Presley, also pointed out that, because they are the first kids on the block in this new arena, Wired will have a window of opportunity of about three months when everybody will think "Wow! How cool!" and rapidly slurp up whatever ancillary "brain" tchotchkas they can price at US$29.95 or less.

"We have run out of mind," said new Wired Ventures CEO, Gil Amelio, "Because we have run out of spite. And, as everyone knows, out of spite, out of mind."

New Wired CEO, Bill Gates, however, was still generally optimistic. "It's just the future I'm worried about," said Gates.

New Wired CEO, Ralph Waldo Ellison, however, was still generally optimistic. "We are working on a grant proposal for the National Endowment for the Inhumanities (to Man), which should keep us going a few more weeks," he said.

According to Wired CEO, Barry Diller, the grant proposal will propose that Wired personally go out and solve all the partial disingenuous equations still left in the world.

"The New Spiritually is here, today," said Diller, licking the last few flecks of plutonium oxide off his singed fingertips, "It's manic depression out of control. Manic depression with no limits. Unstoppable world-wide manic depression for the masses. Reversing poles faster and faster each day. Without end."

Having finished his prepared statement, new Wired CEO, John Malone, hopped into his armored Mercedes with his drunken paparazzi bodyguard/driver-lover, and sped off at about 121 mph into the warm Paris night. Viva Wired!

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