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Ken Starr Report:
The Complete Transcript!!
Whitewater Special Prosecutor, Ken Starr, finally sent
his much ballyhooed, so-called "report" to the so-called
"Congress" today, but not before first sending it to the
Washington Pissed in order to have our
highly-trained editorial staff add some, like, much
needed "motherfucker"s and "whatever"s and "you know"s,
so the otherwise yawner text wouldn't sound so fucking,
you know, LAME.
Though we have sworn a solemn oath not to, in any way,
reveal any of the contents of this report, whatsoever,
I, uhh, guess someone's, like, finger, or something,
must have accidentally slipped and hit some random return
key, or something, causing the following verbatim
transcript of the report to be accidentally posted
below, complete and unedited, except for, of course,
some strategic "fucking"s, and "like, whatever"s added
by our crack team of crack-addled editors.
by Ken Starr
Did you ever hate a guy so much you wanted to impeach
his fuckin' ass the moment he was born?
Hi, I'm Ken Starr, and this is my report about how you
can do just that, albeit belatedly.
In this so-called "report," I am going to tell you a
story about all the slimy and wretched and horrible and
mean and ugly things that that man, Mister Clinton, has
done to you and me and to, of course, our poor starving,
violent, mass-murdering, scumbag children.
First of all, this Clinton guy's, like, ALWAYS on acid.
Always! The first thing he does when he gets up in the
morning to go to work for the American people, is he
licks some blotter paper or something, and goes sailing
off on some trip. If you know what I mean.
So, like, what kind of example is that for our President
to set for our poor miserable fucked-up vicious children
-- who, as everybody knows, should be doing fresh
peyote buttons every morning, NOT acid.
Second of all, Clinton, being one of those fucking 60's
hippies, is, like, always humming Inna Gadda Da Vida,
and sometimes even stops right in the middle of a state
of the Union address to suddenly accompany himself on
air guitar or, you know, air organ.
This is another bad moral example to set for our tragic,
hopeless, pathetic children, since guitar-based rock 'n
roll is, like, just soooo OVER, and they should
be playing, like, air accordion or air ocarina -- NOT
air guitar -- and they should be humming songs by, like,
Fudge Tunnel -- NOT by, like, Iron Butterfly.
Third of all, because he is a mass murdering Charles
Manson 60's hippie, when you go to visit him in his oval
office, there's always, like, incense burning and herbal
tea brewing and Ravi Shankar or George Harrison playing
ragas in the background, and he's always wearing like
bell bottoms and paisley shirts, and saying, Oh wow, and
when you walk in, he shakes your hand and sticks a big
fat joint in your mouth and forces you to toke it all
down, before he'll even listen to the details of your
so-called "appropriation" bill.
This is also a bad example to set for our moronic
children and also for our high-energy physicists -- for
reasons that are just too filthy and obscene to talk
Forth, because he is a sex maniac, he is always getting
blow jobs while important international dignitaries are
left twiddling their thumbs out in the oval office
waiting room, and he has even had the FBI and CIA and
DEA and ATF and the Mafia, build a compact wireless
device he can stick in his pants so he can get constant
blowjobs while sitting in church on Sunday listening to
some sanctimonious hypocritical sermon about how if you're
humming Inna Gadda Da Vida while getting a CIA high-tech
blowjob in Church on Sunday, then you should definitely
be impeached up the wazoo.
Thank you very much, fellow scuzzbuckets, and I hope you
like my report.
Kenneth W. Starr
PS: In the interest of full disclosure I must admit that
all the "motherfucker"s and "fucking"s and "shitbag"s
and "slimebucket"s and "whatever"s and "you know"s in
this report have been supplied by the crack editorial
team at the Washington Pissed -- and they are
also available for weddings and