Wednesday, September 17, 1997
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Market Crashes on News Hi-Tech is DEFINITELY OVER This Time

NY, NY - (Sept 17) - The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped almost 7000 points today on news that not only Microsoft but, by sort of domino theory extension, the rest of the fucking high-tech and computer industry, is essentially flying on fumes and will be fully crashed and burnt by the year 1999, long before the millennium bug even knows what hit it.

"There are no new applications that anyone will need in the foreseeable future," said a spokesman who chose to remain, "And no new features that anyone wants or needs on their old applications -- so there's really no market for any new software, and, of course, therefore, there's no real market for any new hardware.

"The industry's in an 'Evolution for the Hell of It' stage," the spokesman continued, "Where it can keep producing faster computers with more memory and bigger hard drives for years, -- but there's no reason to. Everyone realizes, by now, that at the end of 5 more years of this kind of fever-pitch evolution of hardware and software, all we're really gonna wind up with is just a fancy TV SET! -- and, you know, everybody already HAS a fucking TV."

According to the spokesman, Microsoft has pushed back the release date of its dreaded Windows 98 'Upgrade' on news that "NO ONE IS EVEN GONNA BUY THE PIECE OF $@#&!*@%!, CAUSE EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT 'DOS FOR DUMMIES' AREN'T THAT FUCKING STUPID!"

And speaking of flying on fumes, Microsoft's attempts to diversify into the aircraft industry also met with some setbacks, today, when investigators learned that all 300 of the planes and helicopters that just all seemed to coincidentally crash this week, just all seemed to coincidentally be running Microsoft's Windows 95 operating system on their onboard computers.

Bill Gates, of course, immediately denied that any flaws exist in Windows 95 which cause planes to uncontrollably crash at random, and also denied that he is really a Trojan horse Manchurian Candidate sent here by beings from another cosmos or dimension, intent on crushing our will so we'll gladly accept the total domination of the first alien asshole that comes along with a halfway decent touch-screen OS.

Gates did however point out that the fact that all these planes were crashing on Windows 95 meant that everybody should upgrade to Windows 98 as quickly as possible.

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