Friday, September 27, 1996
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Information Age is Over,
Bell-Atlantic President Claims

Providence, R.I. (Sept 27) - Ray Smith, current president-for-a-year of Bell-Atlantic/Nynex, declared today that "the Information Age is over."

"It moved so fast," he claimed, during a panel discussion at Brown University, "That it's been exhausted like a spent booster rocket, and has been replaced by what we can call, for want of a better name, the post-information age."

According to Smith, a post-information age situation occurs when people start consistently saying things like, "Everything's just an excuse for something else, so why bother?"

"It's the kind of age," he continued, "Where no one who had an idea for a film called, 'Teenage Mucous Ninja Turtles,' would hesitate to green light it and immediately start shooting, without even a script or clue as to what it's about.

"The kind of era where we are no longer simply living, but, instead, are now 'unpacking the future in pseudo-real-time.'"

Despite all this, Smith insisted that his company was poised and ready for this new age, and would soon be unveiling a steady stream of products designed for the emerging post-information sensibility. Though he wouldn't go into details, he was willing to ramble off a few of the upcoming products, which include:

"$Passion" -- a magazine for people who feel that passion must always come with a dollar sign attached.

"Gossip" -- a TV show that's just a big mouth on the screen that just keeps talking an endless stream of gossip-style chatter, encompassing News, Sports, Weather, Politics, Science and Technology, Art, Religion, Music, Films, Food, Fun and Games....

"Hair Implants in a Cornball Author," a book by comic (sic) novelist Mark Lamer-than-Tom-Robbins.

"Bono Sings Ono," A CD of Congressman Sonny Bono singing the songs of Yoko Ono, recorded live inside the acoustically perfect setting of an empty House Chamber.

"Ono Sings Bono and Bono," Yoko Ono sings the songs of Sonny Bono and U2 lead singer Bono. Recorded live inside the empty chamber of a Smith and Wesson .357.

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