Monday, September 28, 1998
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Happy "Have Your CPA Fix Your Toilet" Day

The Journal Of The Union Of Associations Of International Organizations has declared October 5th to be "Have Your CPA Fix Your Toilet Day" -- when Americans all over America will do things like have their plumbers file their divorce proceedings, or have their stock brokers trim their shrubs, or have their lawyers do brake jobs on their Toyotas.

"We are setting aside this day," said Journal of the Union of Associations of International Organizations editor-in-chief, Rebecca Kramer, "so that Americans all over America can have the time to re-think their fucked-up conceptions of existence and/or reality."

She then ran reporters quickly through the way that existence ought to be re-thought on "Have Your CPA Fix Your Toilet" Day.

"Assume," said Kramer, "that History is more or less true, and that current notions of cosmology and the age of man are more or less accurate. And assume that you're only born once, and that your one shot at life could have happened anywhere in the world and at any time between the appearance of the first so-called human on earth and today.

"So," Kramer asked rhetorically, re-lighting her crack pipe as reporters re-lit theirs, "what are the odds that your one lousy shot at life would happen at a time and in a place that is arguably much better off than almost any other time and place in all the assumed vast expanses of human history? Especially given your tragically shitty luck?"

"They're bad," she answered herself, post-rhetorically. "In fact, they're practically zero -- which means, in turn, that there's a very high probability that one or more of the basic assumptions are wrong. And, therefore that it's much more likely that either History is totally a lie and/or that current notions of cosmology and the age of man are totally wrong, and/or that reincarnation probably does exist and that, like it or not, there must be more than one crappy lifetime per soul.

"In which case," Kramer concluded rhetorically to wild foot-stomping applause, "like, why, you know, even fucking bother, this time?"

[Which is, according to CNN, why this whole fucking incident is being kept hushed up.]

Morris Calls Drudge "Sludge" On The Air

Former Presidential advisor, Dick Morris, called Matt Drudge, "Matt Sludge" to his face, on the Matt Drudge show last weekend. Then pretended it was a slip. Whoops.

[We sincerely apologize for relating something that actually, you know, occurred in so-called "reality."]

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