Tuesday, October 1, 1996
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Arafat, Netanyahu, Clinton Meet;
Discuss Babes, Booze, Browsers

Washington, DC - (Oct. 1) - Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, Palestinian President, Yassir Arafat, and US President, Bill Clinton, met today in the White House to vent their frustrations about life at the end of the 20th century.

Arafat began the meeting by complaining that Israel was still blocking West Bank access to the newsgroups alt.sex.pictures and alt.nude.shiksas, in direct violation of the Oslo Peace Accords, and that the Arabic version of Netscape 3.0 was "deliberately a piece of shit."

Netanyahu immediately pushed these problems aside as insignificant when compared to his own. "I've been King of the Middle East for over a hundred days now," he said, "And I still haven't fucked Pamela Anderson even once. Not once! And Anna Nicole Smith hasn't even called! I'm sorry, but if I don't get the kind of respect due a world leader of my stature, then lots more kikes and camel jockeys are gonna hafta pay with their lives."

Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, attempting to hammer out a compromise, offered Netanyahu 2 comp tickets to Killdozer at CGBG's, instead. "You'll meet better, hipper babes there than Pamela Anderson," the Secretary quietly told the Israeli Prime Minister. But when Netanyahu appeared unswayed by the simple logic of the offer, Christopher immediately, upped it to 4 comp tickets, plus 2 free drinks, each -- which seemed to satisfy everybody, and the tension was broken.

Though the two Middle East leaders disagreed on many points, they shared a common belief that the recent violence had not been brutal and bloody enough to attract the kind of world attention they'd need in order to get 7-figure advances for the books they were writing. "We'll have to kill at least a few thousand more people," Netanyahu explained, "Before our books can sell even a million copies. That's just the harsh realities of the book publishing business, when you're stuck in a jerkwater town like Haifa or Tel Aviv."

Though the meeting was generally cordial, in the end, it had to be stopped when Netanyahu suddenly stood up, dropped his pants, and placed his massive genitalia on the conference table, shouting, "Tupac Lives! Tupac Lives!" and challenging the other assembled world leaders and diplomats to do likewise and "decide once and for all who the real leader of the free world should be."

Following the meeting, Netanyahu was sent to see the White House chef, who promptly cut him up into small pieces which were served in a stew to the assembled diplomats and various unnamed, underage babes without FBI security clearance. And everybody liked it.

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