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Friday, Oct 1, 1999

"Adult" Linux Delayed Again!!
Internal squabbling has once again delayed the release of the long-awaited Linux distribution for so-called "adult" applications and users.

Bitter disagreement over the official name of the new release has raged for years throughout the adult Linux community and has resulted in several bombings, harassment suits, and even revenge whoopee cushion attacks at high-profile CEO product release speeches.

"The dispute is rooted in the fundamental human law about how there are just two kinds of people," Adult Linux CEO, Joe Adult, told reporters. "The first kind of person wants to call the 'adult' release of Linux, simply 'Adult Linux.' The other kind of person wants to call the 'adult' release of Linux simply 'Linux,' and then call regular Linux, simply, 'Linux for Kids.'"

Of course, nothing is ever that simple.

According to sources in the adult open software community, there are endless factions and sub-factions. Many "adults" would not be caught dead using something that isn't called at least something like Hoteensux or HotSlutsux, or, at the very least, PamelaAndersonFuckedByaHorsux.

Regardless of the outcome of the name wars, the "adult" distribution of Linux, whenever it is finally released, will, first and foremost, replace all those vulgar, life-denying, adolescent Linux function calls like kill() and abort(), with ecstatic, life-affirming, adult function calls, like_face-sitting_oral_madness(), and hot_lesbo_hooch_hump().

Entire World Accidentally Blown Up; Will Now Never Know Who Killed JonBenet
A series of human errors, stemming from there being two kinds of people, is being blamed for the world accidentally being blown the fuck up, yesterday.

"There are two kinds of people," a spokesman for the Zeroeth Kind of Person Foundation told disaster-clad relief workers. "One kind thinks telephones exist so people can communicate. The other kind thinks people exist so telephones can exist."

Last Person On Earth Not Blocking Caller-ID Honored In Ceremony
The last person on earth not blocking caller-ID was honored today in a ceremony held in Truth-or-Consequences Auditorium in Truth-or-Consquences, New Mexico. The person, Garth Register Jr., was awarded full-time lifetime 24-7 employment with World Telephone Combine. His job will be to call everybody in the world all day everyday just so they still all think there's some damn fucking reason to keep paying $6.50 a month for caller-ID.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
As losses mount and market valuation evaporates, companies are abandoning their websites and web strategies en masse for the greener pastures of .... [to be continued].

Sudden headline writers strike leaves many headlines un....

"Not a piece of shit," candidate claims.

"Not a piece of shit," corporation claims.

"Not a piece of shit," Microsoft claims.

"Not a piece of shit," piece of elephant dung claims.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC