Wednesday, October 2, 1996
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Dole Replaces Kemp
With Anna Nicole Smith

Roxbury, MA - (Oct. 2) - With his pole numbers worsening, Bob Dole, today, launched a radically new strategy by dumping his original VP choice, Jack Kemp, and replacing him with actress and super-model Anna Nicole Smith.

"This election's not about issues," Dole told a cheering crowd in Roxbury, Massachussetts, "It's about STARS. And that's why I've gotten rid of that has-been, motor-mouth quarterback, Jack Kemp, and replaced him with one of the, uhhhh, biggest stars in the whole United States of America and maybe even the world. Miss, uhhh, Ms. Anna Nicole Smith ....Anna Nicole Smith ... Anna Nicole Smith.... U.S.A. .... U.S.A. .... U.S.A...."

After introducing his new running mate to the enthusiastic crowd of fallen yuppies and suburban soccer moms, Dole went on to praise the many, uhhhh, virtures of Ms. Smith and waxed almost poetic as he described the many qualities she'd bring to the ticket.

"First," Dole said, "Anna Nicole Smith will appeal to women voters -- After all, she's a woman. Right? And women everywhere identify with her because she's been there and done that.

"And you know, they tell me I've got a gender gap. Well, now, with Anna on the ticket, I think we can say that big gap has just snapped shut and is closed tight as a damn venus fly trap!

"And another thing. Anna Nicole Smith will provide a role model for all our confused young women out there growing up today without values, who don't know what to do with their lives and so they get into trouble. Well, if you elect me, all they'll have to do is just look at the Vice President of the United States, and they'll know exactly how to act and how to proceed in life.

"I mean some people talk about building a bridge to the 21st century, but Anna Nicole Smith IS the 21st century. She's BIGGER than the 21st century -- because she's the embodiment of the American dream."

Though the announcement was electric, and once again appeared to raise the spirits of the campaign, Dole was already backing off from his choice a few hours later. At a second campaign rally later in the day in Cambridge, Dole, speaking to a crowd of mostly college students, announced he was dumping "that loser Kemp" in favor of actor Sonny Bono.

"The beat goes on, the beat goes on," Dole kept repeating to the cheering crowd, his hand on his heart. "That's the motto of this campaign. Sonny Bono's brought a new vitality -- all the youngsters are ripping out their piercings and coming home from their mosh pits, cause Sonny's got this great charisma with the young people. He's had a couplea hit records ya know."

Later, when questioned by reporters about the sudden shift in Vice Presidents, Dole responded, "Get with it, man. This is the MTV generation we're talking about here. Short attention span. Short attention span. Short attention span. Get it? Huh? Uhhh, what was that question again?"

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