Thursday, October 2, 1997
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Pissed Off Teens Detonate

Minneapolis, MN - (Oct 2) - According to research just completed at the Giant Roller-Cloister Of An Institute, "Life is just the attempt to find ever more complex and circuitous ways to shoot off brain chemicals which could just as easily have been shot off by the touch of a single button on an overhead control panel."

When asked for details of the research, Doctor R., head of the team that worked for 5 years non-stop on this project, without even taking a break to so much as read a newspaper in that time, said, "Pissed Off Teens Detonate Simultaneous Nationwide Nuclear Suitcase Bombs."

"But I'm still already bored shitless by the future," he continued, "Which is not what I think the Foundling Fathers of this nation had in mind for us. Now was it?"

The doctor claimed that, with his research work complete, he'd soon be going back into the studio with his group, Baywatch on a Train, to record "some song where all we need to do is fill in the rest of the words for lines that end with 'tools,' 'stools,' 'fools,' and 'rules.'"

Dr. R. is the author of the classic surreal rock hit single "Zero O'Clock Rock."

He was also co-founder of the Center for Adsorptive Phenomena, where he sold videos of domestic animal incest and reptilian oral copulation, over the Internet, on the side.

"In ten years," he said, "We will all be living a Webb life-style -- and people will become accustomed to having robot drill instructors like Jack Webb, show up at their front doors and ask for just their faxes, Ma'am, and if they don't turn them over, they'll be forced to watch endless hours of goopy, sanctimonious Promise Keeper meetings where everybody gets all weepy and swears that 'this time we really really promise that this time we're really definitely absolutely definitely gonna stop beating our wives and raping our kids and generally being big dumb assholes.'"

The Doctor went on to reminisce about his days in high school, when, apparently, they didn't all have access to disgruntled former-Soviet-Union nuclear suitcase bombs over the Internet and, instead of conspiring to detonate a simultaneous string of high schools around the country at 11:11 am Monday morning, it was enough to surreptitiously roll a single penny 100 feet across the floor of a packed and previously stone-quiet cafeteria study hall.

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