Friday, October 4, 1996
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Dole, Clinton Say "Forget Hartford"
Morris, Stone Will Debate Instead

Hartford, Connecticut - (Oct. 4) - In a stunning last minute reversal of all that men call holy, the 2 major party presidential candidates have mutually agreed NOT to show up for the first debate scheduled for Sunday, Oct. 6th in Hartford, Connecticut.

Though no reason was given for the withdrawal, Don King, the sponsor and producer of the debates, and one of the original authors of the US Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, said he'd have no trouble filling the card, er, the debates with a comparable show and with stars of similar magnitude and class.

Then, moments later, after consulting with an aide, he announced that the Dole-Clinton debate would be replaced on the stage of the Bushnell Auditorium by a debate between scandal-ridden campaign consultants, Roger Stone and Dick Morris.

A spontaneous cheer went up almost immediately from the assembled newsmen as they rushed to file the story, and suddenly King's cell phone started ringing out of his pocket, as cable channels and TV networks not originally carrying the debates, scrambled to sign up.

(USA, the very-softcore porn network, was the first to get on board, followed immediately by HBO, MTV, the Nashville Network, the Movie Channel, The Sex and Drug Channel, the Cybersex Channel, the Cyphersex Channel, the Compulsive Channel, the Fishing Channel, the Fireplace Channel, ESPN, ESPN2, Prime Ticket, Exploding Ticket, VH-1 and A! the Anti-tainment Network.)

Despite the drastic change, King assured everyone that most other aspects of the debate would remain roughly the same. Jim Lehrer of the PBS "News Hour" will still moderate, but two more "anchors" will be added, to assist him.

"Ron Jeremy and Johnny Wadd," said King, "Are 2 men whose bona fides are beyond repute. They have the respect and admiration of many multi-billion dollar industries and are envied and imitated by billions of men all over the world. In fact, it was Jim Lehrer's idea, not mine, that we call Ron and Johnny, because he knew they had crucial expertise that he, in all modesty, was willing to admit, he somewhat lacked."

Clarence Thomas, who'd been invited to be the 4th member of the panel but was unable to attend, will be honored, just prior to the debates, by the showing of his favorite film, "Long Dong Silver," with Wadd and Jeremy providing a running deconstruction of the text based on first hand knowledge of all the participants, some of whom were themselves.

Though none of the questions are known in advance, a strong rumor is circulating, verified by some of the most reliable sources at the Washington Times, that, once everyone's introduced, Lehrer will begin the debate and set-up the opening topic by looking at Morris and Stone and saying, simply, "Gentlemen,... Blowjobs."

Onward Democracy!

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