Monday, October 7, 1996
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Candidates Debate Loaded

Hartford, Connecticut - (Oct. 7) - In a radical departure from all past debates, President Clinton and Senator Dole spent 90 minutes last night speaking to the American people, totally stoned out of their fucking minds.

Only moments after introducing the two men (who'd just been drug-tested and pronounced "completely straight"), moderator Jim Lehrer, walked to the stage, lit up a huge doobie, took a long hit, and handed it to the President, motioning for him to pass it to Dole when he was done.

Then Lehrer returned to his seat and, with only minimal facial contortions, managed to continue holding his last hit for another 90 seconds, finally exhaling it all in a large spurt, but without coughing. Then he began the questions by asking both men to describe their favorite acid trip.

This seemed to put everyone at ease, and a nostalgic glow crossed the face of both candidates.

"I remember, I think it was my 4th acid trip," said President Clinton, "We were on top of Mt. Tam, gazing out at this majestic vista, when suddenly, written across the sky, I saw a plan that would create 15 billion new jobs, cut the deficit in half, raise SAT scores by 40%, and make available 'Midnight Luge' to keep our youngsters off the streets."

Dole, with an unrehearsed look of surprise, immediately piped in, "Shit, that sounds exactly like my 17th acid trip, 'cept I was in a cornfield at the time, and when I looked into the sky it said, '30% tax cut, just don't do it, he's a liberal.'"

Other debate topics included: "the most bitchinest sunset I've ever seen," "advanced bong techniques," and "psilocybin vs. LSD vs. organic peyote."

About 20 minutes into the debate, the proceedings had to be stopped while both men, stricken with a violent attack of the munchies, were allowed to leave the stage and go pig out for a while. Unfortunately, when they came back, they seemed uncharacteristically lethargic and were only willing to respond to questions with a "Yes" or "No" answer.

Later, in another radical departure from the standard debate format, a large cart, covered with a vast array of drug paraphernalia, was wheeled in by 6th graders from Hartford's Wilson Street School.

Lehrer told the candidates, "Gentlemen, this is the free-form part of the debates, where you'll be allowed to select whatever drug you want for the remaining set of questions."

While Dole was content to just snort a couplea lines of coke, Clinton, of course, couldn't stay away from the crack pipe. And then, before Lehrer could even ask the next question, both men began spouting off, non-stop, every single slight they'd ever received in their political careers, blow by blow, starting with their first campaign for jr. high president and encompassing virtually every "damn motherfucker" who ever tried to stand in their way.

The debates closed with each man still trying to out-shout the other with his tale of woe, while Lehrer just sat there, dumbfounded. Since Clinton had gotten as far as 1985 in his rant, and Dole had only gotten up to 1960, Clinton was declared the winner.

To come down, both men chose DMT with a beer chaser.

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