Tuesday, October 8, 1996
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Stephanopoulos Quits White House
Will Run as 3rd Party Candidate

Hartford, Connecticut - (Oct. 8) - In a surprise move that caught Washington reporters with their pants down, senior Presidential aide, George Stephanopoulos, announced today that he would leave the White House, effective immediately, and run for the Presidency under the banner of a brand new party, the Socialist Workers Christian Coalition party.

Stephanopoulos claimed that he'd supported the Clinton re-election effort "110%" and hadn't given a single thought to running himself, until the Presidential debate on Oct. 6.

"You know," said Stephanopoulos, "I was just sitting there, snorting crystal meth with Warren Christopher and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and watching the debates, when I heard that line Bob Dole said. How did it go? Uhh I think it was, 'If you're holding a crack baby in your arms right now -- what do you do next?'

"And I looked down," Stephanopoulos continued, "And I was holding a crack baby in my arms. And I didn't know what to do next. And I realized at that moment, that what America needed more than anything, was a president who could look at people holding crack babies in their arms and tell them what to do next -- and neither man was offering that answer."

Once he'd handed the crack baby to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephanopoulos immediately got on the phone to Ralph Reed, who agreed to run as his VP.

"Unfortunately, Reed insisted on calling the new party the 'Over-30-But-Can't-Buy-Booze-Without-ID Party,'" Stephanopoulos said, "So I chose Michael J. Fox instead, because he quickly backed off from his suggestion to call it the Growth-Hormone-Deficiency Party." Despite the absence of Reed, the new party will still be called the Socialist Workers Christian Coalition party.

"Our platform will be simplicity itself," Stephanopoulos claimed, "So even those 150 million morons out there, we so graciously call 'the electorate' will be able to understand it. First, we'll set up a blue ribbon commission to figure out what to tell people to do next, if, in fact, they are holding crack babies in their arms. And, second, we'll seek to pass a constitutional amendment to legalize smoking dope in the White House. And I think that's a pretty complete agenda to take this country into the next millennium."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F