Monday, October 13, 1997
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* * * Spiritual Revival * * *
Sweeps America

America - (Oct 13) - A profound spiritual revival swept America, early this morning, following the 3-way collision of the Cassini Plutonium space probe, with John or Bob Denver's single-engine private plane, and El Nino.

El Nino is a weather condition characterized by an increase in ocean temperatures, and caused by the periodic rise in popularity of various Southern coastal religions which forbid the use of indoor plumbing. If you know what I mean.

El Nino, which means Kid Christ, is named after the famous kickboxer, Kid Christ, who died in a rigged kickboxing match in Manilla, in 1987, while trying to avenge the death of his drug-dealer brother, Kid Christ, who died in a rigged kickboxing match in Manilla, in 1986.

John or Bob Denver is either the guy who, because he'd played Maynard G. Krebs on "Dobie Gillis," was able to coast through a vapid TV career playing un-funny goofballs, or else he was the goofy guy who wrote such smash hit songs as: "Grainola on My Shoulder," "The Rocky Mountains is My Home," "Back Home In the Rocky Mountains," "Gee, I Wish I Was Back Home In the Rocky Mountains Again," "Sunshine Makes Me Wanna Eat Grainola," "Sunshine Makes Me Wanna Be Back Home in the Rocky Mountains," "Grainola On My Mind," "Hey, Baby, How 'Bout a Little Grainola? (If You Know What I Mean)," "Hey Hey Hey, I Was Just Bein, You Know, Ironic, Motherfucker, The Rocky Mountains Make Me Puke."

The Cassini space probe is named after fashion designer Oleg Cassini, and its mission was to decorate the skies with crystalline plutonium so people wouldn't have to watch Larry King anymore.

Though there was a 50/50 chance that the spacecraft would blow up on the pad, killing billions of innocent people in a most unpleasant way, the risk was considered acceptable since, if successful, it would've not only provided relief from Larry King, but also from Geraldo.

Urologist Finds Clinton's No Big Deal

According to President Clinton's lawyer, Bill Bennett, the President has just undergone a thorough examination by a urologist, who states categorically that, contrary to claims made by Paula Jones, there is "like, nothing special goin' on in the President's, you know, genital region."

When the report on how there was nothing special about Clinton's privates was made public, the response of the American people was pretty much summed up by the steam blaster in Swampscot, Mass. who said, "Uh, then WHY THE FUCK IS HE PRESIDENT????"

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