Wednesday, October 15, 1997
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Cassini Vaporizes Florida; Havana Marlins Win Pennant

Havana, Cuba - (Oct 15) - In the dead of night, last night, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration tried again to pull a fast one on the cosmos and dump a shitload of plutonium on Saturn.

Fortunately they missed and only depopulated Florida, which had been, you know, asking for it, anyway.

According to a spokesman for the Massachusetts Institute of Topology, "This is no run-of-the-mill socio-hazard. This is Camp Triage -- on a shingle."

The spokesman went on to accuse the director of the space agency of "neither abstinence, nor gluttony, nor reverence for the middle path."

NASA blamed the tragedy, and, in fact, all tragedy, on El Nino, the weather condition named after the Peruvian kickboxer who died trying to avenge the death of his brother in a rigged kickboxing match in 1986 in Manila, in a rigged kickboxing match in 1987 in Manila.

NASA spokesperson, Rebecca Kramer, stated that, "There's a lot of bogus mythology about plutonium. A lot of stories that just aren't true. Plutonium is really like Silly Putty or a slinky and can be safely eaten in large quantities by people of all ages. It is used in the glue that sticks advertisements for vodka on tomatoes. And, certainly, nobody's ever died from a hand-squeezed Bloody Mary."

However, a spokesperson for the 11 million Floridians now puking themselves to death from Silly Putty contamination, warned that, "If the world ends, then where ya' gonna' go to get reincarnated?"

Geraldo Scoops Woodward Again

According to Geraldo, there is now absolutely conclusive authoritative evidence which absolutely conclusively proves that the crash of John Denver's light plane, was caused by the violent Satanic cult which Denver has mind-controlled for the past 15 years. "The cult," said the authoritative, investigative reporter, "Which worships 'grainola,' apparently decided to kill its leader when they caught him eating Fruit Loops."

Goopy Nostalgia Sweeps Net Also-Rans:
Wired Enters 1996 with 'NewsBot'

[... story deleted due to excessive use of the phrase "buncha fuckin' losers."]

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