Wednesday, October 16, 1996
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Madonna's Baby Already Into Anal Sex

Los Angeles, CA - (Oct. 16) - According to sources close to Madonna's gynecologist, Madonna's new baby girl, Lourdes Maria Ciccone-Sonic Youth, is already heavily into anal sex with older men.

Quick to defend her infant offspring, the beaming mother stated, "You know, she doesn't have anything against men her own age, but they're all so immature, and they just don't perform like older men. It's not her fault if guys her age can't keep up with her."

Already, many Hollywood celebrities and music industry stars and political luminaries and computer industry bigwigs have been by to sodomize the infant, and extend their, uh, best wishes to Madonna, and the beaming father, What's-his-name.

According to Madonna's plumber, Jack Stefanovitch, who'd stopped by to unclog a drain, or something, Madonna wants her daughter to start having children as soon as possible. "Madonna realizes," he said, "That her core audience of 8 year old girls quickly grows up and, by the time they're 10, usually abandons her for groups like Hole and Pavement. So she knows if she wants an audience in the future, she's gotta' procreate it herself, and she's gotta' get her offspring to help procreate it, too."

When she finally came up for air, Lourdes Maria announced she'd be releasing the 4.0 beta version of her new browser next Monday. "But the browser wars aren't really what it's all about, anyway," the infant stated, "And we plan to make our real money from local branding of server-side suites of nano-technology-database enterprise applications. Also, I need to start looking for the fathers-to-be of my children-to-be, cause my asshole of a mother has already fucked up my childhood so bad, that I'm antsy to get out and show everybody how to do motherhood right."

According to Madonna's electrician, Jack Stefan, the pop star, "doesn't have time to raise the fucking kid anyway, so she's glad Lourdes is earning her own keep, straight outta the womb."

Apparently Lourdes wrote the 4.0 version of her new browser in utero but has assured the computer press that there'll be no unexpected problems when the browser is used ex utero. Of course, the infant did fail to mention that Java would be enabled only in the 32-bit version, and that the availability of the Macintosh version has not yet been determined.

The baby's godfather, Marc Andreesen, was also on hand, and also beaming with pride. "It always makes me happy to see a really cool multi-layered marketing scheme like that," he said.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F