Friday, October 17, 1997
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Kennedy Tapes Reveal Nuclear War ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

Wash, DC - (Oct 17) - According to some book by some guy somewhere, the recently released Secret White House Tapes from the Kennedy administration reveal that the nuclear war which threatened the world at the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis, ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED!!, and actually WIPED OUT CIVILIZATION!! -- and what we're all living in now is just some bogus VR simulation dreamed up by losers like Robert McNamara and McGeorge Bundy.

What happened, according to the book, is that just moments before civilization was destroyed, using ideas he got from old Flash Gordon serials, Kennedy secretly had an artificial world built deep inside the earth by the Army Corps of Engineers.

LSD was then slipped into the world water supply, and while everyone was floating around with flowers in their hair saying things like, "Oh Green, WOW," they were all unobtrusively moved to the new underground world, and fitted with virtual reality goggles inside their eyeballs.

According to the book, everything was fine after that, and no one really seemed to notice the difference, apparently cause after having Eisenhower for President for 8 years, everybody was all, like, "Why fucking bother?" which Eisenhower had personally invented along with Nixon and Werner Heisenberg.

But then, one day, Kennedy started fearing that people would find out they were living in a bogus artificial environment and get really pissed at him. So he had Werner Von Braun invent the Oliver Stone dummy, and then he had the Oliver Stone dummy come up with the fucking dumbest idea it could, which was that Kennedy would be assassinated in a manner which implicated virtually everybody.

Stone was given the whole CIA budget to produce and direct the film of the assassination and its aftermath, while Kennedy rewrote some of the dialogue and played slide guitar on "Leopard-skin Pillbox Hat." Upon completion, it was piped into everybody's VR eyeballs so they thought Kennedy was actually assassinated, and so now they'd have to love him almost forever, instead of immediately turning on him and hating his fucking guts, in true capitalist mass-market consumer fashion.

Thanks to the assassination, everything was fine again, until Richard Nixon came along and invented Wired, in order to get back at Kennedy. Unfortunately, Wired invented the Internet, which proved that Nixon was really Jesus, so Nixon had to resign in disgrace but started the Vietnam war as his last act, so no one would notice, and to get revenge on President Clinton.

Clinton of course, was tricked into going to Vietnam, in secret, cause it was the only place you could get stoned legally, and he didn't want to do anything illegal and thereby ruin his chances for the presidency, when he'd be able to do any fucking illegal thing he wanted, and just pin it all on Al Gore, Hillary, and Jim Guy Tucker.

But, of course, while in Vietnam, Clinton was kidnapped by the Kissinger-led faction of the Communist Chinese who brainwashed him into becoming President and inventing "Midnight Basketball," which was the Trojan horse that Frank Sinatra would use to ultimately destroy the US and western civilization, so that China would be the only remaining superpower in the bogus VR underworld designed by JFK during his exceedingly brief refractory periods in between fucking Judith Exner, Marilyn Monroe, J. Edgar Hoover, Luciano Pavarotti, and various barnyard animals.

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