Friday, October 18, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Netscape Announces Comprehensive
Suite of Incomprehensible Products

New York, NY/London, England - (Oct. 18) - At their weekly developers conference, this week, Netscape President and CEO, Buffalo 'Bob' Smith, announced a bold new strategy for his company, by introducing a completely revamped product lineup centered around a client-side suite of desktop tools called Netscape Fadoozeler.

According to Smith, Fadoozeler was designed by Netscape co-founder, Phineas T. Bluster, to meet the complex needs of modern enterprise communication and collaboration, and to fadoozle Howdy Doody.

Netscape Director of Marketing, Clarabell the Clown, demonstrated Fadoozeler's 5 main components, which allow companies to affordably provide all employees with email and groupware that use all the richness and functionality of the web to help get work done more efficiently and more effectively.

According to Clarabell, the 5 components are, "Honk." "Honk Honk." "Honk Honk Honk." "Honk Honk Honk Honk." And, "Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk."

Netscape's Senior Vice President of Technology, the Flub-a-dub, told the audience of developers that, "Our new enriched email and groupware products meet the 4 critical criteria that I believe are necessary for any new, breakthrough technology to be successful: Princess Summerfall Winterspring has to like it, the kids in the Peanut Gallery have to like it, Buffalo Bob has to like it, and ubiquity."

According to Flub-a-dub, Dilly Dally 3.0, a major new version of Netscape's popular integrated server suite, will include the Chief Thunderthud industrial strength email package that natively supports all internet standards and provides all the directory and security capabilities that people have come to expect.

Despite the fact that Mr. Bluster's Fadoozeler is, in part, designed to fadoozle him, Howdy Doody appeared utterly sanguine about the new product announcements. "That's just the nature of the business," said Doody. "If I have the right to run for President of the kids, then Mister Bluster has the right to invent a fadoozeler to try to fadoozle me."

Princess Summerfall Winterspring, who was responsible for the concept behind the fadoozeler, was apparently despondent over something and could not attend the conference. Netscape director of communications and eponym, Chief Thunderthud, claimed she was undergoing treatment and would be better in a few months -- in time for the release of the Fadoozeler upgrade, the X-Fadoozeler.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F