The Washington Pissed
Friday, Oct 22, 1999

  10 Great Places Where People Only Talk In Grunts

OK, so you're looking for 10 great places where people only talk in grunts -- because they understand motivation, emotion, cognition, society, memory, and how to do the mashed potatoes.

Whether everything's just one big fucking lie or not, finding 10 such great places can be very life-affirming and/or possibly many other such sick-ass hyphenated abstract noun/present participle adjectives.

So we asked someone who asked to remain anonymous, and who had, surprise!, just recently published his award-winning travelog, "How Far Is the Oldde Travelogge Inn," (Simon, Lufkin and Jenrette, $26.95) for the ideal places to go do whatever the last 2 paragraphs were about.

Oxnard, CA

"Though people talk only in grunts here, they are also talking from deep inside some seizure where who knows which serotonin is saying what about why to which dopamine."

"The museums are full of hotels and the hotels are full of, simultaneously, the opposite of full and the opposite of museums: spaceless amorphous holes without even the concept of matter."

"South of Market (SOMA) you will find people so hungry they could eat Archer, Daniels, Midland."

North of Market Street (NOMA) you will find people so anxious to appear hungry enough to eat Archer, Daniels, Midland, that they actually look hungry enough to eat Donaldson Lufkin and Jenrette.

In the Middle of Market street (MOMA) there are "eating bars" where people come to feel all weird in public about suddenly having a totally new area code.

The Union Square Area is famous for the purposeless automatisms of reality.

Charleston, S.C.

This city is built entirely out of spaghetti and its mayor is a fucking meatball. And the town IQ is composed entirely of Spaghetti-O's.

The town's unique motto is still "I'm OK, you're OK, but fuck the horse you rode in on," which it retains in flash memory from the days when everybody there didn't always used to talk in only grunts.

"It's a delight just to..." but she was shot dead by some local loser before she could finish saying how delightful it was just to walk the streets here, if you know what I mean.

Anyway there are many delightful walking tours where the automatisms of society are on display.

There is the Architectural Walking Tour where the architecture walks right up to Tourists and tells them get the fuck out of my damn town.

There is also the Charleston Tea Party Walking Tour where after you've had tea they take you on a tour through the basement where people like you, who've taken this tour, are mysteriously buried.

Albuquerque, N.M.

This town is apparently just two combination plates away from one combination plate, but who's counting.

Famous for its famous cuisine which carries the gene for hydrogen, this town blah blah blah.

7 more places

The 7 other top 10 places where you should go if you wanna be where people only talk in grunts, have all been exclusively designed by their worst enemy's worst nightmare's customer service department.

'Nuff said.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC
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