The Washington Pissed
Monday, Oct 25, 1999

  "Series" In Infinite Loop; Old Dimension Abandoned WHILE YOU SLEPT!!!

MYLANTA. GA - (AP) - Fans of the Mylanta Braves were apparently so hopped up on their town's and team's official antacid slurpee namesake, that it wasn't till the count got to 47 and 29, with 12 out and 6 on in the bottom of the 24th that they began to notice that maybe something had gone a bit awry with either reality or the digital software running this year's 76th or however many-th, annual World Series.

Apparently a "glitch" in Microsoft World Series Simulator 1.0 caused an infinite loop in the 6th inning of last night's game which can now, as the name "infinite" implies, never end and continues on forever, as we speak.

The Mylanta Braves, already struggling to deal with the internal contradictions of fighting consumerism with over-priced anti-consumerism branded products, were also struggling with a staff of relievers who, when you needed them in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs and the bases loaded and leading by 3 runs, were usually off somewhere, relieving themselves.

"I guess that is one of the dangers of doing the World Series entirely in digital animation, using untested software," said Commissioner of Baseball, Rebecca Sunnybrook.

Because last night's all-software World Series game 2 between the digitally-generated Yankees and the digitally-generated Braves couldn't be stopped, she told reporters, it threatened to eventually suck out ALL information, leaving a massive informational black hole far beyond the understanding of any known physics.

"The only hope of surviving the voracious appetite of this loop or glitch or hole," said Sunnybrook, "is to completely abandon the dimension of reality of last night's game altogether, and re-bump start the world in a totally different dimension with a firewall to keep that unfortunate World Series-gone-awry out of our shiny new universe... "

All of which, surprise, was done early this morning while everyone slept and, see, so far no one's even noticed the difference, though gradually, over the course of today, the thin veneer that falsely links this new dimension with yesterday's dimension, will gradually be stripped away.

You may already be feeling these effects as we speak.

The symptoms are:

Headache, fever, chills, nausea, loss of appetite, constipation, diarrhea, etc.

If the systems persist, insult your physician.

Anyway, before the World Series was interrupted indefinitely by this unfortunate infinite loop, the two teams were playing to decide the fundamental world historical question of whether it is better to be on acid all the time or not.

The Mylanta Braves think they're all so brave 'cause they're on Mylanta all the time and so are of course totally anti-acid up the wazoo.

The Nude York Yankees are of course totally nude all the time and therefore, either as a cause of or as a result of this, are always on acid all the time too.

Obviously, therefore, if the Yankees had won, it would have meant that everybody should just take acid all the time, period. However, it seems fitting that we will now never know the answer to this fundamental question and must take acid all the time anyway without the express written consent of the commissioner of baseball.


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