Friday, November 8, 1996
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Cabinet Resigns En Masse;
Clinton Picks Replacements

Wash, DC - (Nov. 8) - In response to massive resignations from his cabinet, President Clinton, today, held a press conference to put forward his nominees to replace the departing members.

"Today, I'd like to announce the Replacements for the positions of Secretary of Commerce, Secretary of Agriculture, and Secretary of Energy," the President began, but was stopped immediately by an aide who whispered something in his ear.

"Well," the President continued, with an embarrassed smile, "I've just been informed that the Replacements aren't together anymore, so I guess I'll have to chose someone else."

After a few moments of thought and a quick consultation with a staff member, the President announced that the Butthole Surfers would be nominated for the cabinet posts, instead.

The President also announced that Warren Beatty would be replacing Warren Christopher as Secretary of State, and that Secretary of Defense William Perry, would be replaced by Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction and Porno for Pyros.

It's also rumored that HUD secretary, Henry Cisneros, will be replaced by Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, and transportation secretary Federico Pena, will be replaced by either dead Italian director Federico Fellini, or ex-Dodger reliever, Alejandro Pena.

EPA director Laura Tyson will be replaced by Mike Tyson, and economic advisors' council chief, Alice Rivlin, will be replaced by chef Alice B. Toklas on Ritalin.

HEW Secretary Donna Shalala will be replaced by either Richie Valens singing "Donna" or Sha Na Na doing a cover of "Layla." (If the latter, then Richie Valens singing "La Bomba," may be in the running for Secretary of Defense.)

Bob Dole will be appointed interim President, to run the deathly boring government while President Clinton spends the next 4 years in Florida working on his golf game and the elimination of the Federal tan line as we know it.

After the announcements, Vice-President Gore briefly took the podium to explain how the new appointments would save billions of dollars and the environment.

"Since the names of the new secretaries are so close to the names of the former secretaries," he explained, in his best Ding-Dong School manner, "We'll be able to continue using our current stationery by just pencilling-in the few minor changes each time. Thereby saving a major print run for each department, and probably a forest or two."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F