Monday, November 11, 1996
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Newsmen Rush to Board the Brinkley Juggernaut of Filth

Wash, DC - (Nov. 11) - Veteran TV newscaster, David Brinkley, has accidentally launched the first "exciting new development" in TV journalism, since John Cameron Swayze stopped smoking.

Brinkley, whose famous "end pieces" actually make Andy Rooney seem funny and insightful by comparison, made his conceptual breakthrough early Wednesday morning, following the elections, by uttering, on air, perhaps the first honestly heartfelt statement ever made by any journalist in any medium at any time in the entire history of journalism.

Pretending to think that both his microphone and his hearing aid were turned off, Brinkley proceeded to launch, in the direction of the newly re-elected President, a stream of invective so vile as to defame the basic precepts of most civilized world cultures and so immoral as to violate all fundamental moral commandments of most world religions.

Though Brinkley pretended to apologize to the President on his Sunday show, claiming it had been "a long hard day" and the President pretended to accept by saying, "That's OK, I know exactly how you feel, I've been hard all day long a few times myself, ya senile sack of shit," Brinkley's ratings still doubled their usual numbers, and the media copycat feeding frenzy was on:

1. According to an informed source at ABC, Peter Jennings will begin tonight's (and every night's) ABC Evening Report with a new trademark opening: "Good Evening, Sl*m*b*gs and M*th*rf*ckers, here's the news..."

2. A source inside the CBS News Division informs us that Dan Rather's new closing line, beginning this evening, will be, "And that's the way it was, today, November 11, 1996 -- and if you don't like it, you can blow me!"

3. Not to be outdone, Ted Koppel will end all future Nightlines by dropping his pants and saying, into the camera, "So suck on this, America!" Though, at press time, it was still being decided whether he'd do this in front of, or behind, his anchor desk, and whether or not there'd be any accompanying music or, say, a drum roll.

4. Even columnists in small town newspapers have jumped on the bandwagon, and columns that used to be named things like "Around Town," or "The Lighter Side," are suddenly being switched to names like, "Man, What a Load a' B*llsh*t," or "St*ck *t *p Y**r *ss!"

According to an analyst, Brinkley's conceptual breakthrough will now make it possible for journalists and politicians to freely say exactly how they feel about each other, about themselves and, most significantly, they'll be able to say exactly how they feel about their constituents, the people who love and trust and honor and revere them and pay their salaries and allow them to have such cushy lives of sex and power from which they can leisurely let the American people know what a f*ck*ng buncha l*s*rs and m*r*ns they are.

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