Friday, November 15, 1996
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Market Crash Due Wednesday,
Financial Economists Say

NY, NY - (Nov. 15) - In much the same way that "Information wants to be free," and "Girls Just Wanna' Have Fun," it can be said that "Stock markets just wanna' crash." Or at least, that's the consensus among a wide range of well-respected financial analysts who say that the US stock market will do just that, i.e. crash, this coming Wednesday, November 20, or possibly Tuesday, depending on the weather.

"Crashing is what markets do for sex," said one of the analysts. "It's what the stock market lives for. So we should all be very happy for it."

In terms of the size and the effects of the crash, a source at a popular Wall Street firm claimed the Dow would go "from around 6300 where it is now, to about 3500, in 2 hours, and then continue dropping to the 700 level by next Friday, so that, on average, people invested in the market can expect to be like, you know, totally wiped out."

According to a best-selling Harvard economic historian, the ultimate effects of this may not be all that bad.

"Yuppie Boomers and Yuppie Gen-Xers have all been conned into putting all their savings into mutual funds so, like the day after the crash, these people will be out in the streets hunting stray dogs and coming up with exciting and tasty new ways to prepare Spam Lite," the best-selling Harvard economic historian said.

"But that's all for the good -- because these people have grown too complacent and are already beginning to exhibit signs of societal deviation beyond acceptable norms. Witness the whole Tupac thing, you know, or the Michael Jackson thing. Or the Michael Jordan thing. Or the Magic Jordan thing. Or the David Copperfield thing, or the whole "Two Cities" thing, or the Dickens thing in general, or the thing about the Dickenson sisters, Angie and Emily, or the thing about the Reed twins, Lou and Donna.

"Anyway," the highly respected historian went on, "Eating stray cats and spam will go a long way towards rebuilding their moral character, which they've lost to years of being sprayed by rapidly scanning fields of brightly-colored electrons. It'll also create tens of thousands of new, high-paying, manufacturing and service sector jobs in Spam-Lite factories all over the country."

While many laymen question how financial authorities can accurately predict a crash of this magnitude in the face of otherwise strong economic numbers, one financial meta-analyst thinks the answer is really pretty simple.

"The answer is really pretty simple," said financial markets meta-analyst, Rebecca Kramer. "Every financial markets analyst knows that all other financial markets analysts don't know what the fuck they're talking about. So when they all predicted, yesterday, that the market would go way up next week, it became almost immediately obvious that the diametric opposite must occur.

Other analysts, however, blame the Wednesday (or Tuesday, or maybe even Monday) crash on the rapid tanking of tech stocks following a deathly boring Comdex opening next Monday where, as if to confirm the general fear that "the internet jig is up," the only booth that's expected to get any traffic at all will be the one for the store where Larry Ellison buys all his expensive suits: Emperor's Clothiers.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F