Monday, November 24, 1997
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Septuplets Dial "K"
for Kevorkian

E. Lansing, MI - (Nov 24) - A mob of angry septuplets arrived in Michigan, early today, when their runaway pre-Civil War bi-plane crashed in a bean field, just outside E. Lansing, after following an erratic flight path for over 2 hours.

Using a map downloaded off the internet, the septuplets, who suffered only minor scratches and bruises in the crash, made their way to the VW bus of suicide doctor, Jack Kevorkian, where they demanded to be put immediately the fuck out of their misery.

Apparently the septuplets, by virtue of their parallel processing architecture, have been able to combine the power of the little Pentiums in their little craniums and have already seen through to the end of the corporate shitbag culture they've been dropped into (through no fault of their own), and would much rather die now, than have to grow up being just 7 more pissed-off Windows users.

Sinatra Dead!

Fred or Frank Sinatra or somebody, some old-guy from somebody else's old days, apparently died today at age 81. Or was it yesterday?

Sinatra, who was apparently famous for being made famous by Mafia murder and intimidation, was, apparently, even more famous for the utter disingenuousness of going out and recording a hit song about how he did it all his way, when, of course, he really did it all Don Vito Corleone's way.

According to CNN, Sinatra's great gift was, apparently, being slippery enough to elude his own karma for so long, though, according to the Fox Network, Sinatra's great gift was having really really slow karma which took, like, 81 years to finally catch up with him.

Flags will be flown at half staff, today, by fans of the so-called "crooner," in trailer parks all across America."

World Economy Crashes

The entire economy of the world utterly and completely collapsed this morning, leaving all national currencies utterly worthless and all people everywhere, out of a job, and due to starve to death or be eaten within a matter of weeks, as both food production and the transportation of goods grind to a halt.

Windows 98 Already Obsolete

According to Microsoft, a year before its release, Windows 98 is already an obsolete piece or shit.

"A year before its release, Windows 98 is already an obsolete piece of shit," said a Microsoft spokesperson, the names of whose next of kin were withheld, pending notification of himself.

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