Tuesday, November 26, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Weekend Box Office: Nov. 22-25

Man, films are fucking lamer than ever and 30 billion dollars worth of people like it like that so much they made Star Trek: First Wives, the Number 1 Box Office hit, for the weekend of Nov 22-24 or 25. This is like the eighth installment or so of the Star Trek sci-fi snooze franchise and has taken in more fucking money than all the others put together and cubed. Like 11 billion dollars in the first 3 hours or something. Before this, the top grosser Star Trek film was the previous installment, Star Trek: Second Wives, which grossed only 7 billion dollars. The next best grosser Star Trek was the one preceding that, Star Trek: Third Wives, which grossed only 5 billion dollars. And so on. -- Like all the other Star Trek films, Star Trek: First Wives has the crew of the starship Enterprise cruising around the universe tracking down, finding, and finally spewing venom all over their evil ex-wives (Bette Midler), who are attempting to control the past by changing the future, or vice versa. Or Whatever. Star Trek: First Wives, is the last film in the Star Trek series because it's clear the American public would not accept a film called: Star Trek: Zero'th Wives. The film was directed by the Alta Vista search engine. ### Magic Jordan's Space Patient slipped to Number 2 this week, grossing only 20 billion dollars because apparently people just got sick of seeing Michael Johnson selling Magic Jackson merchandise over the grave of either Chuck Jones, or Chuck Jackson, or Chuck Knox. ### Mel Gibson's Random held on to 3rd place, because apparently there are 10 billion dollars worth of eyeballs who'd rather watch random frames from random films from random decades of random quality, about random subject matter with random sound, spliced together at random by people with no agenda and no mandate and no desire, than watch, you know, pathetic, linear narrative, Hollywood, LCD bullshit. ### Which doesn't mean that there wasn't 8 billion dollars worth of biomass leftover willing to drag themselves through a multi-plex for der Ahhhnooold's and der Baaahbra's, The Pony Has One Fucking Trick and It Sucks All the Way. This film's about this chick who wants to fuck this guy, but the guy's busy buying a toy or something. It was directed not by Daniel (or Donald or David or whoever) Petrie Jr. or Sr. or whatever, but by something growing in a petrie dish. ### The other 5 or 6 top 10 films made less money and therefore, of course, must have sucked even more and so we won't depress you by mentioning their names, except, of course, for the new Robert DeNiro - Queen Latifah - Leonardo DiCaprio Shakespearean Opera, Sleep It Off, Julio!


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F