Wednesday, November 26, 1997
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Iraq Cooks Turkey, Etc.

Baghdad, Iraq - (Nov 26) - Rather than submit to fascist UN inspectors trying to find his non-existent nuclear, chemical and biologic weapons and, in order to show solidarity with human nature itself, Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq, today, released enough aerosol anthrax and VX nerve gas to wipe out the entire population of the world twice over.

In fact, by the time you read this, you should be, uh, no longer able to read this.

Mi Casa....

According to sources at Microsoft, Bill Gates' $38 billion dollar mansion is the only structure on the planet capable of withstanding all known chemical and biologic warfare agents.

According to Larry Ellison, former CEO of the former Oracle Systems, "Fortunately, Bill Gates is the kindest, gentlest, most sincere, and understanding human being alive today, and I love him more than life itself. I would do absolutely anything for Bill Gates, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual -- at least in proportion to our relative net worths."

Thanksgiving Postponed

Acting President, Jesse Helms, announced today that, due to the recent end of all life on the planet except Bill Gates and "friends," the Thanksgiving Holiday will be temporarily postponed.

"If you bury your turkey and stuffing at least 8 feet underground," said President Helms in a live RealAudio webcast from Martha Stewart's "Eat Me" website, "It should keep long enough so you can still enjoy it, once the holiday has been re-instated after the end of the world is over."

Helms spoke from the temporary US government headquarters, housed in the servants' quarters of the Bill Gates mansion.

In other government news, Attorney-General Strom Thurmond announced that, after careful study by himself, all anti-trust charges against Microsoft have been found to be absolutely and utterly groundless and have been utterly and absolutely dropped. -- Like a VX canister over LA.

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