Thursday, December 5, 1996
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So Many News, So Little Newsweeks

Yeah, sorry, but there's, like, too much news -- too much happening -- everybody's shutting down divisions, shuffling management, redesigning websites, switching to MTV business models, becoming ISPs, going local, commissioning new logos, developing community, getting rid of ISPs, emphasizing content, partnering with assholes, hiring new CEOs, merging with telcos. Or something.   ###   Saying, "Challenge, opportunity, opportunity, challenge, challenge, challenge, opportunity" and praising his nominees for their "great lies," President Clinton continued his commitment to picking "a cabinet as boring as America" and appointed his new National security team. Though Bob Denver will be the first TV Secretary of State, Clinton made it clear that it would be, "The Bob Denver of 'Gilligan's Island.' NOT the Bob Denver of 'Dobie Gillis' or 'My Mother the Car,'" that he was appointing.   ###   In a 3-minute hearing, the Senate proved conclusively that the new Mexican brand of marijuana, known as "medical marijuana," causes instant insanity and mass murder, and they immediately passed and ratified an amendment to the US Constitution nullifying any law that even alluded to legalizing it.   ###   The Supreme Court upheld the idea that English is the official language of Mars, and that, in turn, Martian should be the official language of England.   ###   I mean, they can't get the fucking door of the fucking space shuttle open!!   ###   The Dalai Lama is all pissed at Martin Scorcese and Disney, and says he won't go to Disneyland anymore, because of the way he's portrayed by Robert DeNiro in Scorcese's upcoming film for Disney, "The Dalai Lama is Way Cool." Apparently DeNiro, as the Dalai Lama, blows up a mailbox, starts a fight in a pool hall, propositions an underage hooker, blows away like 5 or 10 guys in about 2 minutes, and beats the crap out of poor Joe Pesce. Disney says it will go ahead with production anyway, despite all the revenue lost from the Dalai Lama not going to Disneyland anymore. -- "We would rather stand on principle even if it means losing all the revenue that would come from the Dalai Lama, like, going to Disneyland," said Mike Eisner or Mike Ovitz or Mike Tyson or Michael Jackson or Jordan or Johnson or whoever the fuck is president of Disney.   ###   The trace of bacterial life from Mars recently found on Earth, has warned Warners that they better the fuck not release their upcoming film "Mars Attacks" (starring Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Marlon Brando, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Madonna, Sandra Bullock, Cher, George Clooney, Jennifer Anniston, Meryl Streep, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, Anna Nicole Smith, Mel Gibson, Arnold Scwarzennegar, Whitney Houston, Oprah Winfrey, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Winona Ryder, Bette Midler, Diane Keaton, Whoopi Goldberg, Harrison Ford, Demi Moore, John Travolta, Marisa Tomei, Ice-T, and Mr. T.) or else they might as well forget about ever building a major theme park on the Red Planet or selling any of their damn videos there.   ###   Ice was discovered on the dark side of the moon, meaning that it can now be easily colonized cause all we have to bring from earth is the vodka and a couplea limes.   ###


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F