Monday, December 14, 1998
Amazon.Com Will Start Selling Actual Amazons

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - (Dec 14) - Tired of being accused of a profound and fundamental dishonesty, $100 million-a-year-losing website,, today announced that they'd finally live up to their damn name and start selling, you know, actual Amazons.

At a press conference held yesterday on the loading dock of the warehouse, President, Jeff Bezos apologized profusely for bamboozling the millions of unsuspecting people who had innocently flocked to his website to buy Amazons but, then, had been viciously tricked into buying books, instead.

"I'm truly sorry," Bezos told reporters, "about not selling, you know, actual Amazons as our damn name implies, and also about occasionally wiping out peoples' hard drives if they didn't buy a book or something from us. But, in defense of my actions, I can only say that I've been extremely extremely busy losing $100 million dollars this past year and, somehow, as a result of my being just so damn busy all the time, the whole actually selling actual Amazons thing just kinda slipped through the cracks."

Bezos then waxed momentarily poetic about just how much hard work it actually takes to lose $100 million dollars a year.

"You know," he said, "it takes round-the-clock effort by thousands of focused and dedicated people working in expensive offices at the tops of historic buildings, totally free from external perturbations and disruptions that might blunt their purpose and desire. And, I'm sorry, but going out and rounding up a buncha lousy Amazons just to meet the apparently sick and insatiable needs of our customers, would have been a major perturbation and disruption to our staff, especially at this crucial early stage in our development when it's imperative that we sit around all day constantly watching CNBC to monitor our soaring stock price and our record losses as they shoot, in tandem, through the so-called 'roof.'"

Bezos then went on to try to make the case about how books are, like, so much better than Amazons anyway, so, like, why are those dumbass consumers even bothering with Amazons at all?

And though he continued to insist that would start taking orders for actual Amazons "real soon now," he still could not answer specifically as to exactly when the first Amazon would be shipped, or even whether additional warehouse space would be purchased to house the Amazon inventory, or whether they'd just be stuck on the same shelves beside Tom Wolfe's, "A Man Full of Himself."

Bezos was also vague in response to questions about the range of sizes and shapes and styles of Amazons that would be made available, and which and what percentage of these would be kept in the warehouse for fast, 2-day delivery via Federal Express.

"All I can say," said Bezos, "is that we expect to have more Amazons available for immediate sale and shipment than any other wholesale or retail operation in America. And by the 3rd quarter of the next millennium, we expect to have surpassed in sales, even the home for unwed Xena, Warrior Princess casting couch reject mothers, in Australia."

Bezos then ended the press conference by driving his gold-armored Lexus head-on into the crowd of assembled business analysts and reporters at better than 125 mph -- miraculously killing everyone and no one. -- It was hard to determine which.

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Copyright (c) 1998 by HC