Of course, immediately following his first accidental assassination attempt on himself, earlier today, the president was apprehended, tried, and sentenced to fry in "the chair" by the Supreme Court for the crime of attempting to assassinate the president. But don't cry for the president as this is one of the well-known occupational hazards of the job and every candidate knows in advance that if you get elected you can pretty much kiss good-bye the freedom to try to kill yourself whenever you fucking feel like it.

Anyway, after being arrested and sentenced to the chair, the president was released on Rodney King's or Ozzie Osborne's recognizance and this time succeeded in accidentally assassinating himself for good -- so the Supreme Court can give him "the chair" now all they fucking want.

However (and I'm reading this straight off the RSS feed as I write) apparently the accidental nature of the self-assassination is now being disputed, with the Secretary of Defense coming out (as it were) and saying it WASN'T accidental and the Secretary of Labor coming out (not as it were) and saying not only WASN'T it accidental, but it wasn't even SUICIDE.

Wait, there's more. According to Justice Department spokesmen, terrorists disguised as close personal friends of the president had been sending him cards and emails wishing him a happy 22nd birthday for the last several weeks. And, according to his Chief of Staff, there's even been a few phone calls from terrorists disguising their voices to sound like small school children calling the president up to wish him a happy birthday and asking him what he planned to do, now that he was 22.

And according to a close personal friend of the president, who has asked to remain anonymous (though he visits the White House on a regular basis), the unscrupulous terrorist plot had apparently been working and the president had actually started believing he really WAS 22 and therefore could snort the exact same number of lines (25) of coke per minute as he could snort the first time he was 22.

And according to those present at the time, the president held up pretty well for the first 20 or so lines, but then, a little past line 23, he started calling himself "you asshole" and "you loser" and started taking violent swings at his own face.

Of course the secret service stepped in and tried to arrest him, but when he told them to back off they had to obey orders and stop and then when the president called up the pilot of Air Force 1 and told him he wanted to be flown into the Rocky Point Nuclear Plant with a full tank of hi-explosive jet fuel RIGHT NOW!, the president, in an act of unsurpassing courage, profound bravery and intense patriotism, accidentally shot himself in the head.

And when that didn't work, he shot himself up the ass where his head REALLY was, and then fell over, uttering what he could remember of his prepared final words "sic semper uhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhhh.... we won't get fooled again."

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