Unfortunately, most of his work was lost in the recent blaze (or flood), including the manuscript of his 450 page in progress magnum opus, "Jane Air".

Miraculously, however, some of the end pages (the notes and the list of illustrations and photographs) of this work managed to survive the devastation entirely intact.

What follows, then, is a verbatim transcript of these extant pages, unreconstructed, unretouched, unedited, and unabridged in any way.

-- Ed.

I. Photographs and Illustrations

p. 12 - Men in protective gear, in a safe room, having opened a lead-shielded box and taken out a lead-shielded notebook, stand and watch in abject fear while one of them, seated, nervously tries and repeatedly fails to turn its pages with his bulky lead-shielded gloves.1

p. 14 - Smiling children from around the world stand close together in a circle, looking up at the camera, their tiny fingers all resting side by side on the nuclear button. (The button had previously been enlarged 45% in order to fit all 35 fingers without any touching or overlap.)2,3

p. 25 - The first punch in the fan fight following what was supposed to have been4 the most exciting game in all football history but, instead, turned out to be the utter most fucking boring one. Despite the fight's spreading to the streets and growing, without pause, into the 3rd civil war in our nation's history, no one with a pulse rate could blame the fans for being more righteously pissed off than they'd ever been in their lives.

p. 41 - Keanu Reeves is consoled5 after resigning the US presidency.

p. 69 - First known picture of the soul in the act of being commodified -- superimposed over the only known photo of sex NOT being commodified.

p. 90 - Urban Traditional Sofa superimposed over Rural Modern Dining Room Table; the combined effect is supposed to produce epilepsy in the unstable. If you experience any suspicious symptoms, please avoid consulting your physician immediately. (ditto photo 5)

p. 100 - Artists conception of what the world would look like if its people disappeared themselves on a whim.

p. 114 - Crowd of protesters demonstrating outside the Office of Economic Opportunity over jobs of the "blow" and "hand" variety not qualifying for unemployment benefits.

p. 115 - Presidential spokesperson adamantly denying that, of the many new jobs created this year, 99% are of the "ream" variety.

p. 141 - A typical organism grown from the new human genome which has been modified to eliminate the whole messy no longer necessary procreation thing.

p. 145 - Cover photo from the popular novel: "Fahrenheit 178: The Temperature at Which MP3s, CD-R/RWs, DVD-R/RWs, and Brains Begin to Burn".

p. 164 - Perfection. (though, by the time you see this, it won't be anything like that anymore).

p. 184 - Artist's conception of the recently discovered unnamable elementary particle whose defining property is always being someplace else.

p. 214 - A man oscillating (in real time) between being the scum of the earth and the salt of the earth. Scum, salt, scum, salt, scum, salt, scum, salt.

p. 251 - Extreme close up of a small subsection of the Rube Goldberg device known as the universe, showing the system of levers, floats and pressure switches gone awry which correspond to amoebae indigestion.

p. 331 - The only hand gun you can still play REAL Russian Roulette with.

II. Footnotes

1. Rebecca Kramer and Nils Lofgren, "Redesigning the Human Genome to Survive on a Climatologically Devastated Earth," Journal of the Centers for the Prevention of Cruelty to Power, 555 (1996): 11.

2. Rebecca Kramer, "Democratizing the Nuclear Button," Pseudo-Scientific American, 108 (2009): 15-67.

3. The belief that the nuclear button was a universal good and should be shared by ALL simultaneously was a popular notion among all ages, classes, genders, and races at this time.

4. Alana Smithee, Buying Off Capitalism (Newark; Asbestos House, 2010), 12-444.

5. Steven Pinker, Your Steenking Piece of Shit Brain, (in progress)

6. Myself and I, "Me, the People", Random House Daily News, 12 (2020): 12.

7. Nature v. Man v. Robot, Circuit Court of the 7th String-Theory-Dimension, 20 Fed. Cas. 1033 (2005)

8. Anonymous, Capitalism and Sex; Love At First Sight (New York; Radon House, 2005), 300.

9. R. Smithee, "Dodecalectics: Why Dialectics is/are for Losers", Zap Comix, 3 (1968): cover.

10. Anonymous Smithee, Planck's Constant and the Speed of Light Walk Into a Bar: A Novel of Manners, (No York; Deterministic House, 2001), passim.

Notes

1. Ditto dying.

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