"And that's why Hollywood sucks," the spokesman for the Dogma '05 group told the assembled meeting of investors, producers, studio heads and their butt boys and sycophants.

But my group, the Dogma '06 group, had a different idea. Our idea was that, since '95, many years had passed with no new dogmas.

Ooops, we noticed too late that our idea was, verbatim, the exact same as everybody else's fucking idea.

Suddenly we realized we'd have to come up with a whole NEW idea, if we wanted a chance to throw our weight around like all those other assholes who got to throw their weight around just because they almost actually had an idea once.

And on such short notice, with no time to think, and for want of something better, we just might have to go with the truth.

"OK," one of our more junior members blurted out. "The theater darkens, and, before the studio logo appears, some soft but slightly ominous music plays and a simple white-on-black disclaimer with maybe Times Roman lettering flashes up on-screen. Its purpose is to put the movie-going audience at ease -- so they can watch the film relaxed, unafraid, without fear of being made complicit in an act of inhumanity. The disclaimer simply tells them that 'No Gyllenhaals were used in the making of this picture'."

We all shot him a dirty look. Disclaimers were anathema to the industry -- but the jig was up and we all knew we'd eventually wind up here anyway. Our dirty looks softened to "someday you'll make a great... uhh, whatever we older folks are, kid" looks.

Meanwhile the other groups were taken aback. Knocked off their own game plans, they couldn't but acquiesce to the voice that, through innocence, had cut straight to the heart of the matter.

"No Gyllenhaals, eh?" said the leader of the Dogma '05 group, finally breaking the silence that was already dripping with what he was now going to put into words for us. "Yes. That might just do it... Let's see...

"We could begin each film with a simple disclaimer - white background with black Helvetica lettering: 'Absolutely No Gyllenhaals whatsoever were used in the making of this film."

No metaphor had been intended in our initial formulation, of course, but somebody found one anyway.

"Yes," said the leader of another dissident group. "It's EXACTLY like the 'no animals harmed in the making of this picture' disclaimer.

"I mean, we ALL feel sorry for those actors up there -- ignorant, talentless people, forced to make total assholes of themselves in front of millions, uttering lame clichés, acting like self-righteous creeps one minute and lowlife scumbag pieces of shit, the next.

"So, naturally, people are willing to come out and support a charity like the movies, that gives meaningful work to these tragic losers. And nobody wants to harm them. -- But -- but that's just it! A movie with a Gyllenhaal in it harms EVERYBODY, especially actors.

"And that's where our new dogma '05 disclaimer comes in. It tells the movie-going public that while they're helping out actors by plunking down their lousy $10.00, we're doing our bit too -- helping actors by not making them be in movies that, every time the script calls for quirky but intelligent, throws a fucking creepy but milquetoast Gyllenhaal at you."

At that point I definitely would have stood up and taken offense at how that wasn't what we were implying AT ALL -- if everyone hadn't been standing up on their seats applauding and stomping their feet and calling for an encore.

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