Everywhere he went these days, everybody was all hopped up about how, soon, they wouldn't have to be assholes anymore.

6 months earlier they'd passed a referendum to eliminate the gene for being an utter fucking asshole from the entire population -- and now, in a few more days, the transformation would be complete.

In the meantime, they celebrated the only way they knew how: by being the biggest assholes they could still be -- and trying to ignore the nagging realization that: what if, one day, AFTER we can no longer be assholes, we suddenly have something to celebrate? What the fuck will we do THEN?!!

So when Johnny Organism arrived, the celebration was approaching that decision point in the life of any celebration when all the busses had been turned over and all the cars and trash cans burned and all the shop windows smashed and looted, and there was a momentary lull waiting up ahead, as people internally tried to dissuade themselves from simply killing and cannibalizing each other -- out of pure joy and thankfulness.

A drunk with mirror-colored skin came up and went into his maudlin sentimental stage right there, sweeping his arm to encompass all the frolicsome merrymakers in the large space around them.

"I'd give my right arm for ANY of these people," the drunk slurred to Johnny Organism, just above the din, "these people have suffered -- and then, when they were asked to sell themselves out for the good of the community, they all courageously stepped up to the plate and did it."

A tear welled up in each eye.

"And then, the next morning," he continued, "they all woke up and realized they were living in a community of NOTHING BUT sellouts."

Johnny Organism had recently invented the Quantum Fuck You Device. It used 256 parallel quantum computers to give all possible fingers to all possible people who had ever lived or will ever live or are currently alive, everywhere in all universes, at once.

And this drunken asshole, on the spot and unbeknownst to himself, had just invented its diametric opposite!

Moments later, as the celebration's introspective pre-cannibal lull arrived, Johnny Organism finally jumped up on a table to carry out his assigned duty.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Johnny Organism announced out loud to the carefree revelers.

They all turned instantly in his direction, having all simultaneously run out of stories of what they'd thought about doing the LAST time they were THIS fucking bored.

"As you all know," Organism began, "a complex process involving the quantum entanglement of multiple parallel L. Ron Hubbard E-meters will soon have completed systematically removing the gene for being an utter fucking asshole from every human genome in every human cell on earth."

The partygoers shuffled their feet in anticipation of more not hearing anything they didn't already know and no longer care about.

"I am here tonight," Johnny continued, registering their readiness to return to being utter fucking assholes at the first subordinate clause, "on behalf of the computational quantum geneticists who have designed and are now overseeing the removal of your asshole gene. -- Ladies and gentlemen, it appears there's been a glitch."

"Ooops," the possibly soon to be former assholes said in their unified universal stomach in unison.

"But it's not all that bad," Johnny continued, "what with the dialectic between you and your socio-historical situation being what it is, an' all."

They all breathed a sigh of release.

"And hey," Johnny added, getting suddenly all upbeat, "it's gonna create a shitload of new JOBS!!!"

They all cheered -- overlooking the nagging in the pit of their stomach again about yeah but when are they gonna create even ONE new Wozniak.

"OK, so the deal is this," Johnny Organism finally got down to it.

"The computational quantum geneticists have accidentally done the so-called math and it now looks like that when the gene for being an asshole is removed, the will to live somehow goes along for the ride. Apparently, according to the computational quantum geneticists, the will to live is somehow intimately commingled with the gene for being an utter fucking asshole."

The former revelers didn't seem surprised.

"Since the gene removal process has already been set inexorably in motion and can't be turned back or modified," Organism continued, "the only way to deal with this situation is to make appropriate changes to the societal infrastructure -- you know, the arbitrary set of lies we all live by and without which the world would stop cold."

Everybody in the audience calmed down and began nodding to themselves over the sensibleness of this course.

"Therefore," Organism picked up, "every street corner will need to have a center where every morning everyone will go from the moment they first open their eyes -- and where, for 2 hours every single day, they'll have to stand there screaming in unison at the top of their lungs, "I want to live!" and "life is beautiful!" and "life is wonderful!", and shit like that which, according to the calculations of our computational quantum geneticists, should be just enough to keep everybody going for one full day in the absence of the former will to live."

Everyone seemed satisfied that their interests had been taken care of by the supervising authority.

"And since," Organism continued, interrupting everybody's beginning to tepidly high-five each other, "there will have to be people to man these centers, we have decided to staff them by dredging up all the do-nothing losers off the streets, and all the do-nothing winners off their yachts and South Pacific Islands."

At which point armed men wearing flack jackets moved in and handcuffed everybody and carted them off to be trained for their new jobs pumping up a world population with enough will to live to make it through another worthless fucking day.

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