(Washington, D.C. - Aug 31, 2002) Armed agents of the Recording Industry Association of America raided over 400 residential bathrooms early this morning, arresting 406 soaking wet people in the act of flagrantly violating music industry copyrights with their clothes off and the water running.

The perpetrators, dragged handcuffed and screaming into their formerly peaceful 6 AM suburban streets, were stuffed into small paddy wagons and, on the cold damp ride to death row, charged with conspiracy to illegally reproduce and disseminate copyrighted music under the cynical pretext of taking a shower.

"Flagrant copyright violations like these have been going on since the invention of indoor plumbing," said RIAA spokesperson Hillary Rosen, "and it's time those few hundred million sleazeballs out there learned they can't get away with disseminating stolen music just because they're doing it naked and wet in a tiny stall."

In simultaneous raids carried out on city streets from coast to coast, specially-trained RIAA agents performed over 620 insta-lobotomies on suspects believed to have a high probability of possessing illegal copyrighted music IN THEIR HEADS!!!

"This is the most insidious form of copyright violation known to man!!" Rosen exclaimed. "Some very dishonest and underhanded people have gone so far as to REMEMBER copyrighted music -- IN THEIR HEADS!!! -- where they can actually listen to it WHENEVER THEY WANT!!! -- as many times as they want -- without anyone ever knowing -- and with NOT ONE PENNY OF ROYALTIES PAID to the hard working music industry that had to schmooze and bribe its ass off to get those crapass songs to be hits in the first place so these miserable copyright violating slimeballs would even KNOW what songs to steal.

"Fortunately," Rosen continued, "these evil-doers, like all evil-doers, eventually slip up and, in today's sweep, we were able to capture many of them as they walked non-chalantly down the street, flagrantly humming or even whistling some platinum-selling Mariah Carey hit that DOES NOT BELONG TO THEM AND NEVER DID!"

Agents apparently also made use of a new remote sensing device, developed at MIT, that is capable of detecting the presence or absence of copyrighted music in any cortex within a 50 mile radius.

(Though not yet tested on humans, these devices have been shown to have a high degree of success predicting the musical preferences of laboratory rats. And a version that detects the presence or absence of copyrighted VIDEO material at distances of over 100 miles will be available in the 4th quarter.)

The nationwide arrests and lobotomies were the outcome of an 18-month investigation dubbed Operation Golden Shower -- after the "gold" of "gold records" and the "shower" most of the perps were taking when busted.

According to Rosen, though thinking, humming, whistling, singing or otherwise storing and disseminating copyrighted music is prohibited by the Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1996, the music industry generously makes available 2 or 3 songs each month which can be legally sung, whistled, hummed or remembered upto 3 times over a 30 day period without penalty or arrest.

"Despite knee-jerk protests from the wacko usual suspects who think people should actually have control over what happens in their own heads," Rosen scoffed, "everyone lobotomized in today's raids is still totally protected by law. Anyone who feels wrongfully frontal lobotomized and who can prove that the copyrighted material in question was NOT in their head prior to the lobotomy, is eligible for upto $250 in damages and the right to have the excised cortical matter re-attached by the supermarket union meat cutter of their choice. All expenses paid by Elton John."

High-spirited convention- goers at Enlargement-Con 2002 swapped chilling tales of bold enlargement procedures gone horribly awry. Above, the world's #1 penis enlargement products salesperson explains to a disbelieving attendee how big EVEN HIS tiny little pathetic penis could be after only a couplea wars and a couplea million murders or so.

Indy anti-novel MFU won its 10th Nobel Prize in 3 Weeks, today. It also won its 8th Pulitzer, 6th Oscar, 9th Emmy, 14th Grammy, and 2nd Tony in 3 months. Many readers, upon completing the book, have reported larger penises and/or breasts, diseases miraculously cured, rent and food suddenly free, mortgages suddenly all paid off, desires all fulfilled, needs all provided. Meanwhile, critics say, so what, there aren't any fucking characters.