In-His-Own-Mind, USA - (Jan 20) - Basketball star Dennis Rodman of the Chicago Bulls announced today that he was definitely quitting the game of basketball.

Rodman stated that he was definitely quitting the game of basketball in order to have more time to devote to his first love, being an utter fucking asshole

Gates Will Say "Yo"

Shares of Microsoft stock rose sharply today on news that Microsoft founder and Chairman, Bill Gates, will modify his speech patterns to include much more liberal usage of the popular expression "Yo."

"Yo," Gates told reporters, "from here on I will definitely be saying 'yo' a whole fuck of a lot more in all my public appearances, yo."

Gates also told reporters that yo, he would also be using the popular phrase "a whole fuck of a lot more," a whole fuck of a lot more.

@Home Buys Excite

@Home, a company that apparently does absolutely nothing, has apparently bought or will buy Excite, another company that apparently also does absolutely nothing. The $6.7 Billion acquisition will apparently enable @Home to better compete in the lucrative press release market where it will immediately issue a press release saying it has bought Excite for $6.7 Billion.

"This purchase or buyout or merger or whatever is a perfect fit," said Excite CEO, Joe Excite, "because @Home does absolutely nothing and so do we!!!"

"This is definitely a win-win situation," said @Home CEO, Joe @Home. "Since none of our employees does anything now, and none of them will need to do anything after the buyout, no one will have to be laid off at all."

Aside from doing nothing, Excite also does nothing.

Aside from doing nothing, @Home also specializes in litigating over trademark ownership of the "at" sign (@).

The new merged company, to be called either @Home or @Home, will be entering the lucrative web portal business as soon as it gets its new stationery designed and rents a bus station storage locker somewhere.

"The lucrative web portal business should prove to be very lucrative for us," said Excite President, Steve Excite, "since a web portal is absolutely nothing, and absolutely nothing is definitely something we are both highly skilled at."