Dedicated to the proposition that everywhere man's face is in the septic tank or sewer while his tragic human heart is in the metaphorical "tank" or in chains, the XXXIVth annual so-called Superbow or bowl ostensibly took place in an old abandoned bean field, out back, behind the power station yesterday, or was it the day before?

Of course the real so-called Super Bow or bowl had already been tied weeks ago, but secretly, in an underwater bunker, in the middle of the night, in the rain, and only the so-called "Special Interests" who have payed for the lives of the once-living participants, got to watch.

But yesterday's, or was it the day before's, so-called Superbow or bowl was the one in Shockwave or Flash 4 that Industrial Light and Magic puts on for the masses every year so they won't suspect that the REAL Superbow or bowl has already happened behind their backs and is something they haven't even heard rumors of the rules of, let alone the names of its players or their numbers or drugs.

A drastic departure from the bogus Superbows or bowls of the past, this year's bogus Superbow or bowl was not modeled after "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," as were past Super Bows or bowls of the past, but, instead, was modeled after "Weekend at Bernie's" and "Weekend at Bernie's II," compacted together into "one" via MPEG-2 compression, or something.

As a result, all the players in this year's Super bow or bowl had to be killed before the coin toss and then their bodies wearing sunglasses had to be dragged around for 4 quarters by Andrew McCarthy and some other guy.

This may have slowed play a bit, but it made for much more excitement along the dimension of the human heart, especially as regards numerous Hail Mary plays of the human soul and many many roughing the kicker calls of the human mind and untold instances of face mask violations of the human endocrine system.

At the half, however, instant replay showed that all calls had been absolutely wrong, and so everything cancelled out. George Lucas then announced the surprise winner: Oliver Stone.

"Oliver Stone," said George Lucas, in announcing the surprise winner of this year's Superbow or bowl, "is a man of, of, of, of, you know, of, of, many many things too numerous to mention in the lifetime of a small planet like ours ..."

Oliver Stone graciously accepted the CNN Rodney King award. "Thank you for this Willie Horton, award," said Stone. "But before I continue, let me please take a moment to defrag my brain."

He then ran the Windows 98 defrag program on his brain, but it took so long that eventually everybody just went home and watched the rest of the Superbow or bowl on the Golf Channel.