Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, admitted today that he knowingly participated in, and, in fact, was chief engineer of a plan to fix the outcome of the 1998 World Series.

The admission came during federal anti-trust proceedings against Microsoft where Gates, though not physically present in the room, made a surprise appearance in a modality beyond space and time (and not yet fully understood by physics or information science), in order to clear his good name.

Speaking in Remote Cerebro-Spinal Markup Language, Gates admitted responsibility for hiring a crack team of Ex Navy Seal transvestite hookers to help rig the Series. "The Ex Navy Seal transvestite hookers," said Gates, "were trained to implant tiny receiving devices in the brains of San Diego Padres players while they were still drunk on their ass from the NLC victory, and wouldn't have noticed if you sloppily replaced their brains with a toaster oven."

According to Gates, the day before the Series, the complete source code for Windows 98 was transmitted directly into the brains of the Padres players via the implant, line by line, while they slept. Then compiled. By the time they took the field for Game 1, the whole team was essentially running under Windows 98.

"Of course," Gates concluded, stating the obvious, "since Windows 98 has many very rich and far-reaching partnering agreements with the concept of, you know, crashing its ass off, the outcome of the Series was beyond any meaningful application of the laws of hope or possibility whatsoever.

Gates expressed his deep regret for interfering in the has-been national pastime in this neo-fascistic kinda way, but said his confession now was proof, at least that "those people who claim I called Jim Barksdale a putzhead, are obviously just a buncha lying schmuckheads."

Federal Anti-Spam Bill Will End Spam As We Know It

The new federal anti-spam bill is already apparently well on its way to ending spam as we know it. The bill, aimed at stamping out spam as we know it, requires that all spammers begin their spam with a lengthy notice about how this piece of spam is in total compliance with new federal anti-spam regulations S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) which requires that this piece of spam include a declaration at the beginning stating that it is in utter compliance with the new federal anti-spam regulation S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) which mandates that this piece of spam contain a declaration at the beginning stating that it is in total compliance with the new federal anti-spam regulation S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) which requires that this piece of spam include a statement at the beginning stating that it is in total compliance with the new federal anti-spam regulation S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) which asserts that this piece of spam include an assertion at the beginning asserting that it is in full accord with the new federal anti-spam regulation S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) which legislates that this piece of spam begin with a rambling experimental diatribe maintaining that it is in complete compliance with the new federal anti-spam regulation S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) which has determined that this piece of spam better include a declaration at the very start letting the recipient know that it is in utter absolute compliance with the new federal anti-spam regulation S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) which states that this piece of spam state at its start a statement stating that it totally complies with the new federal anti-spam regulation S. 1618 section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) and that any failure to do so, is punishable by a requirement that all future spam sent by the convicted spammer, absolutely must now include this same complete declaration in its subject line, as well as 2 more times in the body of the email.

"Eventually," said Congressman Register, "the typical spam will be so fucking long that all email servers and email boxes will be completely clogged, and people will simply stop using email altogether -- and spam as we know it will end. Except of course, for the kind normally found in a toaster over."