Why not read STALL?

How to not read STALL.

How to understand the concept of printing STALL out.

How to get a free browser.

How to navigate.

How to cancel your online service.

As most internet pros know by now, you're not supposed to read anything on the web. The web is about clicking, downloading, saving, and then sending a nasty email when one or more of these doesn't work right.

Even total newcomers seem to sense this intuitively -- so most of you haven't even gotten to this point in the text and aren't reading this, and if you are, you're probably just about ready to .... stop .... right ...... HERE.

The old fashioned ways work just fine. First, spend a lot of time clicking around. We've got links everywhere. You can spend hours just playing with our navigation bars. Move sequentially through the zine, or randomly access any feature directly from the bottom of any page.

OK. Now that an hour's gone by (at 5 minutes loading time per page, you can get a lot of real work done while you're waiting) and you've got all these fat pages stacked up in your browser cache, page back through them and decide which ones to save for later reading offline.

Whoops, "Application Error: NETSCAPE caused Segment Load Failure in module KRNL386.EXE AT 0001:0D65 -- CLOSE." Oh well you can always come back tomorrow and grab the pages you wanted to read, now that you know what they are.

A great way to not read Stall is to print it out. First, there's a great feeling of accomplishment in this, without even reading a word. And, second, you're now a step closer to reading it, which brings with it, an additional burst of positive neuro-stuff. But of course, after all that work of printing the thing and folding it, you'll wanna take a break, so put it aside for a moment. How about on top of that pile of unread trade journals.

For a free browser, uhhhh, like why not just turn around -- odds are somebody's standing there right now, trying to force a FREE BROWSER down your throat. I mean, people don't come up to you on the street and ask for a quarter to buy food, anymore. They come up to you and say, please take this free browser and 30 days of free service so I can sleep tonight. And if you don't take it, they call you obscene names you've never heard before, and threaten your life, and the lives of your family and friends and the lives of all the people in the town you live in.

Well, now that you've got your fucking Netscape "Navigator," you gotta navigate something. Right? So we highly recommend you just like click on anything -- anything at all -- and, then, you'll wind up someplace else, anyplace else at all. Now just keep clicking till you wind up someplace you really don't wanna be. Now stop and try to figure out why you don't wanna be there. This will help you reach a greater, deeper understanding of yourself, which, is of course, a far greater end than reading some overblown, ill-considered "article" on some itsy-bitsy irrelevant topic.

Call them up and say, "Hey, cancel my fucking service, because the web is such a bogus load of hype and no matter how many tom fucking brokaws you put on it, has nothing, absolutely nothing of any lasting substance for anybody. This show is simply not ready for prime time and won't be for 5 or 10 years at the earliest and I'm sick of all the pollyana disingenuous media hype trying to pretend otherwise. Thank you."

And Tell 'em Klaus sent you.

Sorry to see you leave so soon.

If you have praise or would like to impress us with how fucking smart your are, email us at stall@c3f.com. If you think we're an utter piece of shit at all levels, or are having technical problems, please email slate@msn.com.